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flamingswordI'm having punch-to-the-gut stomach pains that feel sort of like the ulcer back in college, so I can't sleep or even get comfortable lying down. Way to go, me! And for the first time this week I'm in a good mood, which may be paradoxical but I've learned to just go with the good times even when they happen concurrent with pain.
I'm recalling the dreams and nightmares I used to have, examining the few that have stuck in my memory for new insights into the R'lyeh that is my subconscious. Right now I'm remembering the series of nightmares where I would wake up next to David Lowery's dead body, sometimes in the coffin with him. I never told him about those, though he and I did talk of our dreams. I eventually told him about the series of dreams wherein he killed me, but those were peaceful and esthetically captivating. Since they weren't nightmares, I thought it safe to share them. Heh. Somehow, he was disturbed by the subject matter, anyway. :T
For years I've known the way my mind constructs dream-logic, but only tonight is it occurring to me to hold the same standard up to nightmares to see if the reversed-and-reflected method makes some emotional sense of them, too. If the common themes are me waking up next to dead!David, then turned around it's that he's waking up to dead!me. Reflected it's that I'm not dead, he's falling asleep, and that the shift in our dynamic is alienating him. Which, in that time period would have been true. I thought that the part of me that loved him had been put to death, never to make it's zombie way back. I fucked up my soul to get out of that stalemate, and I think my subconscious was warning me that that piece of soul wasn't dead and gone, just tossed to sea like driftwood, eventually to wash back up on my shores.
So now I guess I get to add one more form of data mining to my running tally of tools for greater self-awareness. Nightmares for personal growth? I think I'll hold off cheering for a bit . . .
I'm recalling the dreams and nightmares I used to have, examining the few that have stuck in my memory for new insights into the R'lyeh that is my subconscious. Right now I'm remembering the series of nightmares where I would wake up next to David Lowery's dead body, sometimes in the coffin with him. I never told him about those, though he and I did talk of our dreams. I eventually told him about the series of dreams wherein he killed me, but those were peaceful and esthetically captivating. Since they weren't nightmares, I thought it safe to share them. Heh. Somehow, he was disturbed by the subject matter, anyway. :T
For years I've known the way my mind constructs dream-logic, but only tonight is it occurring to me to hold the same standard up to nightmares to see if the reversed-and-reflected method makes some emotional sense of them, too. If the common themes are me waking up next to dead!David, then turned around it's that he's waking up to dead!me. Reflected it's that I'm not dead, he's falling asleep, and that the shift in our dynamic is alienating him. Which, in that time period would have been true. I thought that the part of me that loved him had been put to death, never to make it's zombie way back. I fucked up my soul to get out of that stalemate, and I think my subconscious was warning me that that piece of soul wasn't dead and gone, just tossed to sea like driftwood, eventually to wash back up on my shores.
So now I guess I get to add one more form of data mining to my running tally of tools for greater self-awareness. Nightmares for personal growth? I think I'll hold off cheering for a bit . . .
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Date: 2008-06-28 11:44 am (UTC)Hugs
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Date: 2008-06-29 03:19 am (UTC)Hey...
Date: 2008-06-29 04:44 am (UTC)Best of luck, genuinely.