People with interesting brains:

It's been over 10 years since I was diagnosed gluten-intolerant. I have what my nutritionist called "silent Celiac", in that my body doesn't really know gluten is bad for me; we just happened to catch it and confirm it after some irregular bloodwork. I don't have to sweat cross-contamination the way most Celiacs do; just avoid wheat and everything is fine.

But wheat is everywhere, as are other allergens new and established. I've spent a significant of the past decade relearning how to eat, how to plan, how to prepare, how to keep my dietary limitations from becoming others' problems.

But I've also spent a lot of that time exasperated, under-resourced, and falling apart when something doesn't go the way it needs to. When the backup plan falls through, or there is no backup plan. When one little detail throws everything out of balance.

And I'm just now starting to admit that this amount of effort just to be able to feed myself is a burden in my life, and that if it were easier to accommodate, my quality of life would be a lot better.

In other words, I'm finally starting to understand why Celiac Disease is considered a disability.

Back in March, I started a 90-day course of an SSRI as a response to suspected Long COVID. Before I started it, I developed an ordinal chart for tracking my own "spoons" in categories that seemed important to me. I recorded my ranges under a variety of conditions (lows were mostly based on peak burnout last November, highs were mostly based on hypomanic cycles pre-COVID) and promptly forgot about it.

But I think that's a good thing. I am now 30+ days past the SSRI course and nearly a month out from my trip to NYC. And using this chart helps me focus on where things are significantly better, minutely better, or unchanged, so I can report that to my doctor. Here's a summary of the categories and my recent changes:

Push
How well can I accomplish a short but intensive physical activity, like loading a refrigerator on a dolly?
Shows some of the greatest improvement but not consistency. Still room to grow, but I'm no longer terrified that I couldn't respond to an emergency without a severe and immediate crash.

Endurance
How long can I be physically active without needing rest?
Moderate improvement, plenty of room for more.

Focus
How long can I focus on one project without needing rest?
Surprisingly no movement. "Follow-through requires intention" is still my high and "Minor difficulties with everyday tasks" is still my low.

Executive Function
How well can I make decisions and plan ahead?
Moderate improvement, room for more.

Emotional
How intense and manageable are my feelings?
No real change, but probably the one that least needed improvement. (So grateful for all the work I did on this as an adolescent.)

Transitions
How well do I navigate "transition time", i.e. shifting focus to a new activity, with or without warning?
Slight improvement, with lots of room to grow. (This one has been one of the greatest shocks to my way of life over the past year; I never used to have to think about transition time unless it was toward something unpleasant.)

Recovery (Waves)
If I expend a lot of energy, then rest, can I get some back -- i.e. a "second wave"?
Slight improvement, but was and remains my worst category. (What I do now is starting to look more like pacing, but I think there's a lot to learn and practice -- I don't think the doctor needs to hear it, but I should write about it more.)

Nutrition
Do I still need to eat a lot of protein every 3 hours (with snacks in-between) and what happens if I don't?
Moderate improvement from March, but a world better than last November the past 10+ years thanks to introducing a small but steady source of sugar into my diet. (This one probably warrants some backstory as well.)

So I guess I'll be talking to the doctor about focus and transition time, as well as reporting that nutritional and sleep adjustments seem to be helping.