flamingsword | Making friends as an adult: (Reply)

a how-to guide

1. Small talk and vibe checks

I learned from my friend Jenn as a teenager that I can’t just trauma dump at strangers and have that go well, bc since they haven’t earned my story, trusting them before they show who they are means they might take advantage of vulnerability. And even if they don’t, they might think that it’s breaking the social contract in the form of demanding reciprocal disclosures which I hadn’t earned yet. And they’d be kinda right. That’s not buddies.

So make small talk about things you like, things they like, see if they pass your vibe check and build trust in each other slowly. In my case I have decided that if they dominate conversations and are never interested in hearing from me they do not pass the vibe check. If they never entrust me with anything of themselves even after I ask meaningful questions, “why” questions about their purpose or values, then they don’t pass the vibe check. I require trust going both ways. Your mileage may vary on where you draw those lines, but please do not sell yourself short or continue investing in someone who treats you as a convenience or worse. I’ve been there, and it warps how you treat yourself over time. Do not recommend.

2. Yellow flags vs red flags

There are a lot of warning signs that someone has relational trauma and may not be a good fit for your friendship. We can care a lot about people and still be toxic to each other, toxicity and conflict are not the same things as abuse. Abuse, the deliberate reinforcement of a coercive power difference, is an automatic disqualification from being a good friend, but toxic incompatibility or compatibility that reinforces our worst traits are still grounds for not investing our effort and time into a relationship.

It’s okay to admit when you’re not right for someone and vice versa. Someone doesn’t have to be unethical or bad at being a human being in order in order to be bad for us. We can decide to not pursue things or say “I’m just not feeling it” - and beggars can still absolutely be choosers in this respect. Sometimes you are better off alone for a while than staying in relationships with people whose love hurts you, drains you, or makes you feel anxious and always on the back foot.

3. Mirroring: Intimacy and reciprocity

When you reveal sensitive information about yourself, does the person also reveal something about themselves in that conversation or the next one, or do they leave you hanging? When you laugh or cry, does that person try to match your energy and emote with you, rather than leave you having feelings by yourself? When you get serious about something, do they take you seriously? These are forms of behavioral mirroring, and they’re necessary bits of the social contract, just as much as small talk. They tell you that someone sees you as fully human, and that they extend respect for your thoughts and validate your feelings. They think about your words and ask questions that show engagement, and when you do the same thing they respond positively. That’s the point at which you know that you are forming a friendship.

4. Hosing down your own BS

Do you tell your new friend the stuff they need to know to be a good friend to you? Or do you let your fear do the driving, keeping them in the dark about what hurts you and letting resentment build up? Do you live in your emotional armor and pass up bids for connection?

I have a master’s degree in pushing people away, and my family’s generational trauma taught me that. I’ve been there. Sometimes I’m still there. But when we care about people, we invest in finding the incrementally better versions of ourselves that can be better for them. That’s not a guarantee that things will work out. That’s not an excuse to become a doormat, placing someone else’s wants above our needs. But it helps us be better friends, which helps us have better lives and be less lonely. We’re going to grow and change as long as we’re alive, so we might as well change in directions that we find fulfilling, right? And loving people better is, in my experience, a very rewarding decision.

5. Looking for growth and accommodation

When you don’t like something, and you say so in unambiguous language, does your friend try to accommodate you? Do they forget sometimes or imperfectly course-correct but on the whole do an okay job changing their behavior over time? Or do they apologize all the time with no accountability through actions? Remember, just because someone has a disability that makes something harder for them doesn’t mean they get access to hurt your feelings. They don’t automatically get to be your friend, and if they knew you were letting them hurt you out of pity, they probably wouldn’t want to be either of those things.

Similarly … what is their growth as a person like? And are they growing in directions compatible with your own path, or are they becoming someone you can’t roll with, for example: harder, jaded, or are their ethics moving in a direction you have a hard time not judging? Admit when you see a problem coming up, and if they choose to walk paths you can’t go down, it’s best to know that. As the Buddhists say: let go or be dragged.

6. Alignment, types of friends, and trust - the 2 Beers and a Puppy Test

Lastly, it is important to know which kind of friend someone is. You trust them to not use things you’ve told them against you. But do you trust them to be thoughtful about your needs? Do you trust them to take care of your pets and other things that are important to you? Do you like them and find them fun, thus trusting them with your energy and free time? There are all different kinds of things and combinations that people can be liked and trusted (or not) in, and it’s up to us to make sure we have taken someone’s measure correctly, and that we’re not being unreasonable about them and the demands that we and others are placing on them. I have a friend going through a divorce, do I trust him with my puppy right now? I definitely don’t expect the two beers to be entertaining for me, but I would make that investment into our relationship and buy him those beers anyway. Because that IS buddies.

As I understand it, these are the basics building blocks of making friends as an adult. There are plenty more though, so leave your secrets in a comment, because I’d like to be a better friend to you.