My grief process, for interested parties.
Jul. 5th, 2023 11:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flamingswordI used to grieve all year long, for multiple years at a time, and my griefs would get out of hand and tangled up. That was ... inefficient, let's say. So I started listening to people's grief stories and collecting things from self-help books and therapists and other people's therapy stories, until I had cobbled together something workable for me. Here you go.
First, before the grief occurs, if I can reasonably expect it to occur, I try to align my expectations with reality. I want friendships to last forever, but I don’t expect them to. I accept that I am powerless in the face of people dying, and I acknowledge the weight of it. It keeps me grounded and from guilt spiraling or blaming myself for literal actual entropy occurring. I am not responsible for the passage of time.
Then, after the tragedy happens, I sit quietly with my thoughts and see what wants to come up. Memories, feelings, old wounds that this reminds me of, all those things that come knocking on the door of my thoughts, begging for attention. I feel the first part of the feelings to take in the flavor of them, then stop before I get too invested. I don’t let my feelings run away with me just yet.
Next, I find it helpful to write those thoughts down, since it keeps everything straight for later, so I just brain dump everything onto a document. It is helpful to almost everyone to name your feelings, because it give you a sense of power over them, and I can definitely attest to that.
Then, there’s kind of a hidden step - I look at the assumptions I am making behind the thoughts I’m having. Am I assigning blame to myself or someone else unfairly? Is my model of reality accurate or am I making my feelings about something into my estimation of reality? Am I being gentle with everyone including myself, and not holding myself/them responsible for not being future-seeing, all-knowing, or all-powerful? If I am being irrational in some way, then I try to fix that, and if I can’t tell whether or not I’m being a crazy person, then I talk it out with someone I trust.
After I’m sure I’m making good choices and that I’m not setting myself up to blame myself for shit I have no power over, I set up with a box of Kleenex and some Gatorade or something to replace the saltwater I’m about to lose, and then let my feelings have me for a little bit. I try not to cry for so long that I give myself a headache, but I don’t kick myself if that happens anyway. Biology is weird and I am not psychic.
After a few days or a week of the worst of the grief, I go back to the person I talked to about it the first time, if they have spoons for me, and I process any new feelings that are coming up for me. I don’t try to hold myself to one “stage of grief”, because that’s a fool’s errand. Sometimes I am angry and sad and bargaining, and accepting, and betrayed by reality all at once. And if I talk that through every week or so with someone or a couple of people, then I get through what feels like a years worth of grieving in a couple of months.
It’s not a perfect system, but it works okay for me when I’m not in full on “turn off my feelings like a robot” mode. If you have tricks and things that work for you, let me know?
First, before the grief occurs, if I can reasonably expect it to occur, I try to align my expectations with reality. I want friendships to last forever, but I don’t expect them to. I accept that I am powerless in the face of people dying, and I acknowledge the weight of it. It keeps me grounded and from guilt spiraling or blaming myself for literal actual entropy occurring. I am not responsible for the passage of time.
Then, after the tragedy happens, I sit quietly with my thoughts and see what wants to come up. Memories, feelings, old wounds that this reminds me of, all those things that come knocking on the door of my thoughts, begging for attention. I feel the first part of the feelings to take in the flavor of them, then stop before I get too invested. I don’t let my feelings run away with me just yet.
Next, I find it helpful to write those thoughts down, since it keeps everything straight for later, so I just brain dump everything onto a document. It is helpful to almost everyone to name your feelings, because it give you a sense of power over them, and I can definitely attest to that.
Then, there’s kind of a hidden step - I look at the assumptions I am making behind the thoughts I’m having. Am I assigning blame to myself or someone else unfairly? Is my model of reality accurate or am I making my feelings about something into my estimation of reality? Am I being gentle with everyone including myself, and not holding myself/them responsible for not being future-seeing, all-knowing, or all-powerful? If I am being irrational in some way, then I try to fix that, and if I can’t tell whether or not I’m being a crazy person, then I talk it out with someone I trust.
After I’m sure I’m making good choices and that I’m not setting myself up to blame myself for shit I have no power over, I set up with a box of Kleenex and some Gatorade or something to replace the saltwater I’m about to lose, and then let my feelings have me for a little bit. I try not to cry for so long that I give myself a headache, but I don’t kick myself if that happens anyway. Biology is weird and I am not psychic.
After a few days or a week of the worst of the grief, I go back to the person I talked to about it the first time, if they have spoons for me, and I process any new feelings that are coming up for me. I don’t try to hold myself to one “stage of grief”, because that’s a fool’s errand. Sometimes I am angry and sad and bargaining, and accepting, and betrayed by reality all at once. And if I talk that through every week or so with someone or a couple of people, then I get through what feels like a years worth of grieving in a couple of months.
It’s not a perfect system, but it works okay for me when I’m not in full on “turn off my feelings like a robot” mode. If you have tricks and things that work for you, let me know?