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flamingswordGood things alcohol has been to me:
Mild pain reliever
Cheap, effective muscle relaxant.
Mild anti-anxiety medication
Social disinhibitor
Conversational opener and shared experience at parties
Bad things alcohol has been to me:
Facilitator for my emotional neglect by Dad
Looming specter of alcoholism in Mom's family
Facilitator for the abuse of my friends
Factor in the cynical verbal diarrhea of drunken uncles
Thing that was more important to my Dad than his relationships with his family
How much of the same good stuff I use alcohol for does Dad use alcohol for? Is that stuff why he crossed over into being a drunk for those years when I was a kid?
Dad didn't start drinking regularly and heavily until things started going downhill with Mom, or at least I don't remember seeing him with anything when I was a tiny kid. But after Mom left him, that must have been one of his coping mechanisms, because he and my (actual alcoholic) step-mom were both drunk a lot, according to my aunt. When Gramma was allowed visitation and Dad wasn't, after I was 4, sometimes she would call up to Dad's house before we were supposed to go see Dad and suddenly plans would change. Was he drunk? Was myracist step mom drunk?
Dad wasn't an alcoholic like my step mom and Mom's siblings, he was a drunk. He could have one drink and stop there, he still can. But when he is inunacknowledged emotional pain, he doesn't stop, until he is intoxicated enough to be just a little looser. Just a little unfeeling, incautious, careless of his own and other's feelings. I was a little bundle of feelings when I was little, but I learned to not show emotions in front of my dad because it made him clam up and then get a beer and disappear into it.
At least dad emotionally abandoned everybody? It wasn't just me. And his dad physically abandoned him and his siblings, so maybe he just thought that if he could be physically theresometimes then it wasn't the same traumatic abandonment? Maybe he thought that because we were so happy to see him, and missed him, that he wasn't fucking us up like he was fucked up? I don't know. And I don't know how to ask, and I really don't know how to ask in a way that will get him to answer.
On Mom's side of the family we had 3 alcoholics (and 1 dry one) out of 7 living siblings for most of my childhood. Alcoholism was the boogeyman that you would hear about only if you were eavesdropping on the grown-ups (a fine family tradition). One of my uncles was worse than the others about talking about age-inappropriate things around us when he was drunk, which he was as often as not during the holidays when we would be around him. (I get it now, in a way I didn't then, that it was hard for him to be around his physically and emotionally abusive mother, and distant and neglectful father, during a time when he was expected to perform happiness despite being a deeply unhappy person. The whole fucking family needs therapy.)
I would see him drink and get really careless and unaware of people's boundaries, sometimes to the point of embarrassing me and his kids, and I would just think, "Is this what alcohol does? This loss of control, the desire to just wipe the slate and not remember what happened or what you did and why everyone is angry with you?" And for my tiny, control freak self, that sounded like the worst thing in the world. Now, I understand better why people feel that letting go of control feels so freeing and pleasant, but I am still careful with it, as I can never be the person who lets go all the way. Shame feels so toxic to me that I can't bear to think of what I would do to myself if I seriously hurt someone feelings the same way mine would get hurt when that uncle or my aunt would be on bitter rants about how awful life, kids, families (including me) were. He was so charismatic, and he was my favorite uncle, but ... I had to pretend not to be bothered by some shit.
And I have some friends for whom alcohol is not even a thing because of stuff that happened to them when other people were drunk. In the back of my head, when I am having a second drink, there will always be the tiny niggling doubt that maybe this is the time I pick a fight with somebody, say something funny but cutting and careless, get physical with someone who doesn't deserve it.
And if it has not gone away by now, I don't think it ever will.
Bad things alcohol has been to me:
How much of the same good stuff I use alcohol for does Dad use alcohol for? Is that stuff why he crossed over into being a drunk for those years when I was a kid?
Dad didn't start drinking regularly and heavily until things started going downhill with Mom, or at least I don't remember seeing him with anything when I was a tiny kid. But after Mom left him, that must have been one of his coping mechanisms, because he and my (actual alcoholic) step-mom were both drunk a lot, according to my aunt. When Gramma was allowed visitation and Dad wasn't, after I was 4, sometimes she would call up to Dad's house before we were supposed to go see Dad and suddenly plans would change. Was he drunk? Was my
Dad wasn't an alcoholic like my step mom and Mom's siblings, he was a drunk. He could have one drink and stop there, he still can. But when he is in
At least dad emotionally abandoned everybody? It wasn't just me. And his dad physically abandoned him and his siblings, so maybe he just thought that if he could be physically there
On Mom's side of the family we had 3 alcoholics (and 1 dry one) out of 7 living siblings for most of my childhood. Alcoholism was the boogeyman that you would hear about only if you were eavesdropping on the grown-ups (a fine family tradition). One of my uncles was worse than the others about talking about age-inappropriate things around us when he was drunk, which he was as often as not during the holidays when we would be around him. (I get it now, in a way I didn't then, that it was hard for him to be around his physically and emotionally abusive mother, and distant and neglectful father, during a time when he was expected to perform happiness despite being a deeply unhappy person. The whole fucking family needs therapy.)
I would see him drink and get really careless and unaware of people's boundaries, sometimes to the point of embarrassing me and his kids, and I would just think, "Is this what alcohol does? This loss of control, the desire to just wipe the slate and not remember what happened or what you did and why everyone is angry with you?" And for my tiny, control freak self, that sounded like the worst thing in the world. Now, I understand better why people feel that letting go of control feels so freeing and pleasant, but I am still careful with it, as I can never be the person who lets go all the way. Shame feels so toxic to me that I can't bear to think of what I would do to myself if I seriously hurt someone feelings the same way mine would get hurt when that uncle or my aunt would be on bitter rants about how awful life, kids, families (including me) were. He was so charismatic, and he was my favorite uncle, but ... I had to pretend not to be bothered by some shit.
And I have some friends for whom alcohol is not even a thing because of stuff that happened to them when other people were drunk. In the back of my head, when I am having a second drink, there will always be the tiny niggling doubt that maybe this is the time I pick a fight with somebody, say something funny but cutting and careless, get physical with someone who doesn't deserve it.
And if it has not gone away by now, I don't think it ever will.