Active Listening for Auties
Apr. 18th, 2018 01:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flamingswordNeurotypical people run a lot of programs in the background that they are not aware they are running, like monitoring tone and volume or watching facial and hand movement. Some people, though, are ignoring what you are actually saying to focus on what they are going to say in response. It is a bad habit that causes misunderstandings and will make the people they are talking to feel unheard and misunderstood. Don't be that person. Be the person who values your conversational partner over your own brain noise.
As long as your brain noise is going to happen, you might as well direct the noise to the task at hand. Think about what your conversation partner is communicating. Direct your attention toward their gestures, expressions and tone. That is their communication interface, the tools they are using to convey both feeling and intensity. Someone can say, "My day at work was okay." But their expression and body language may say "... And I am disappointed about that." If their gestures are fast or their tone stressed, that can indicate an intensity of feeling that is at odds with their words. NTs use tone and body language as a substitute for naming emotions out loud quite often, and it is typical of their behavior.
Because they are more sensitive to small changes in expression and posture than most neurodiverse people, they read these cues more accurately, but don't let that stop you from asking if you seem to be getting conflicting signals. Some NTs feel like they need permission before they can talk about deep, revealing or personal subjects. Name the emotions to make sure you have understood them.
"You seem kinda upset and conflicted about that."
"Are you happy about the situation?"
"Your tone is annoyed and your gestures seem agitated. Do you want to talk about what's bothering you?"
If you want to show someone you are talking to that they are important to you, then engage with the discussion. When someone pauses or raises their vocal pitch at the end of a sentence, nod if you are sure you understand. If they narrow their eyes or raise their eyebrows with the pause, respond verbally with yeah, uh huh, gotcha or other short affirmative statement. If you are not sure you understand, bring your eyebrows together and tilt your head to the side, or ask about what was unclear. That shows that you were listening to the speaker, since you would not know what to ask about if you were not listening.
Always say when you are confused. Don't assume you will be able to catch up. Neurotypical people talk fast and emote faster, and if you do not show them that they need to slow down or clarify you may have a misunderstanding and cause both yourself and someone else to feel misunderstood and left out. If you think you have it but are not sure, summarize what they just said back to them, and raise your pitch at the end to indicate that it is a question instead of a statement. If they nod and start talking then nod back to them to show that you both agree on that.
To make someone feel comfortable expressing intense feeling, respond to their enthusiasm with your own enthusiasm signals. Mirror their smile with one of your own, frown when they frown, change pitch if they change pitch, mimic the speed with which they are moving. Speed, not size of gesture, indicates intensity for most people. If they are upset, however, don't mirror their upset back at them. Instead try to modify your tone to something softer, slightly lower in pitch, and make you gestures slower and more soothing.
If you come to the end of the person talking and you are not sure what to say, here are some sample scripts:
"What does [person also involved] think of this?"
"I'm glad you are excited about this. It is good to see you happy."
"I'm sorry the situation is upsetting you. How can I help?"
If you are having trouble paying attention or the sensory environment is too full to concentrate, let your conversation partner know.
"Can we find somewhere else to talk? I'm having trouble hearing you."
"I'm having trouble processing right now, but I'm interested in what's going on. Call me tomorrow?"
"After how busy I've been lately, my brain is kinda fried. Can we set a coffee date to catch up for when my brain is not extra crispy?"
As long as your brain noise is going to happen, you might as well direct the noise to the task at hand. Think about what your conversation partner is communicating. Direct your attention toward their gestures, expressions and tone. That is their communication interface, the tools they are using to convey both feeling and intensity. Someone can say, "My day at work was okay." But their expression and body language may say "... And I am disappointed about that." If their gestures are fast or their tone stressed, that can indicate an intensity of feeling that is at odds with their words. NTs use tone and body language as a substitute for naming emotions out loud quite often, and it is typical of their behavior.
Because they are more sensitive to small changes in expression and posture than most neurodiverse people, they read these cues more accurately, but don't let that stop you from asking if you seem to be getting conflicting signals. Some NTs feel like they need permission before they can talk about deep, revealing or personal subjects. Name the emotions to make sure you have understood them.
If you want to show someone you are talking to that they are important to you, then engage with the discussion. When someone pauses or raises their vocal pitch at the end of a sentence, nod if you are sure you understand. If they narrow their eyes or raise their eyebrows with the pause, respond verbally with yeah, uh huh, gotcha or other short affirmative statement. If you are not sure you understand, bring your eyebrows together and tilt your head to the side, or ask about what was unclear. That shows that you were listening to the speaker, since you would not know what to ask about if you were not listening.
Always say when you are confused. Don't assume you will be able to catch up. Neurotypical people talk fast and emote faster, and if you do not show them that they need to slow down or clarify you may have a misunderstanding and cause both yourself and someone else to feel misunderstood and left out. If you think you have it but are not sure, summarize what they just said back to them, and raise your pitch at the end to indicate that it is a question instead of a statement. If they nod and start talking then nod back to them to show that you both agree on that.
To make someone feel comfortable expressing intense feeling, respond to their enthusiasm with your own enthusiasm signals. Mirror their smile with one of your own, frown when they frown, change pitch if they change pitch, mimic the speed with which they are moving. Speed, not size of gesture, indicates intensity for most people. If they are upset, however, don't mirror their upset back at them. Instead try to modify your tone to something softer, slightly lower in pitch, and make you gestures slower and more soothing.
If you come to the end of the person talking and you are not sure what to say, here are some sample scripts:
If you are having trouble paying attention or the sensory environment is too full to concentrate, let your conversation partner know.