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So you've probably heard of Fork Theory, the theory that there are only so many annoyances that you can handle until you hit your Fork Limit and you no longer give a fork? Some of what we mean about stress management as a lifestyle has to take into account your daily forks.
Trans women getting misgendered by people who don't realize their own bigotry: it's like being stabbed with a fork. The pain and irritation last all day. Same with racism, ableism, and other -isms. Having to shave every day even though your skin is really sensitive and it will itch all day is a fork. Having to pee is a fork. Being in an office with a light fixture that buzzes in the same frequency as a mosquito is a fork, as is spending time with someone you dislike. Forks are cognitive expenses that are not part of our normal activities. And when you have shaved today, been misgendered, have to pee and then someone you dislike walks into the office, sometimes You. Are. Just. Done.
And other people can't always tell. And they will keep piling stressful annoyances and spoon and fork demands on you until you melt down. And then you get to deal with the long term embarrassment of having melted down in front of people you want to respect you, which is a fork. And the cycle starts again.
But what if you could fix the buzzing light, go to the bathroom, and avoid having to interact with the bless-their-heart bigot? You would not hit your Fork Limit and would be irritated, but not near to losing the plot. It would decrease your forks for that day, and your long term forks by subtracting the mosquito light and embarrassing meltdown. Fixing the longer-term annoyances in your life sounds frivolous, but it is essential to your stress management.
I highly recommend writing a journal entry with the things that annoyed you this week, and tossing out some ideas for plans to fix those things. Even knowing that you are working toward fixing something often makes those things less annoying. And that is one tool in your stress management toolbox.
Trans women getting misgendered by people who don't realize their own bigotry: it's like being stabbed with a fork. The pain and irritation last all day. Same with racism, ableism, and other -isms. Having to shave every day even though your skin is really sensitive and it will itch all day is a fork. Having to pee is a fork. Being in an office with a light fixture that buzzes in the same frequency as a mosquito is a fork, as is spending time with someone you dislike. Forks are cognitive expenses that are not part of our normal activities. And when you have shaved today, been misgendered, have to pee and then someone you dislike walks into the office, sometimes You. Are. Just. Done.
And other people can't always tell. And they will keep piling stressful annoyances and spoon and fork demands on you until you melt down. And then you get to deal with the long term embarrassment of having melted down in front of people you want to respect you, which is a fork. And the cycle starts again.
But what if you could fix the buzzing light, go to the bathroom, and avoid having to interact with the bless-their-heart bigot? You would not hit your Fork Limit and would be irritated, but not near to losing the plot. It would decrease your forks for that day, and your long term forks by subtracting the mosquito light and embarrassing meltdown. Fixing the longer-term annoyances in your life sounds frivolous, but it is essential to your stress management.
I highly recommend writing a journal entry with the things that annoyed you this week, and tossing out some ideas for plans to fix those things. Even knowing that you are working toward fixing something often makes those things less annoying. And that is one tool in your stress management toolbox.