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Control Issues and the Sea of Doubt
Jul. 25th, 2015 04:20 pmLife is not a simple thing full of objectively true answers, though we speak of it as though it is. We live in a vast, nebulous uncertainty, which we paw our way through looking for solid certainties to cling to. We try to keep our heads above this metaphorical water of uncertainty so that we can know things and make good decisions, even though there are some problems with this approach. We know that we don't know everything, but we don't like to look too hard at how much we're not sure of in case it causes us to start questioning the solidity of our decisions. How do we know that we righteously punched that guy in the face if we can't be sure he deserved it? Uncertainty makes our motives and actions suspect. It can drive us to ask hard questions of ourselves and not give up until we have working hypotheses we can live with.
When someone questions what we think we have a grip on then we begin to have control issues with what we think are solid facts. We try to make other people stop telling us that this raft we are clinging to is not an island, try to force them to pretend that we are still on dry land. We try to convince ourselves that these rafts made of floating trash are islands, and we punish people for telling us that it looks like trash. The problem is that our expectations are invisible from the inside. We don't realize that our beliefs are beliefs, because from the inside they look like facts. We don't hold ourselves responsible for our beliefs, even though they are our responsibility. The people challenging our beliefs are the only target we can see. They become the enemy.
So what are our choices in these situations?
A. We can boss people around with our expectations like they are NPCs, but that's not going to be sustainable now that we aren't living in the Protagonist Delusion and other people matter to us. If we keep trying to do things we know are wrong it will erode our self-respect and eventually we will hate ourselves.
B. Find an idol to follow, so that we can subsume our identity in theirs. We will not have to make choices about what to believe, because that choice has been handed off. We can insulate ourselves from the sea of doubt by lashing our rafts together. But now that we know about the biases in our thinking, we're going to start spotting the biases in our idols, and whether we say anything about it or not, we can no longer write off their fallibility. We can feel the waves of uncertainty lapping at our toes.
C. We can choose to focus on the damage being done by how wrong other people are. The world will provide an endless parade of other people to be wrong in front of us, and it can be a huge distraction from the need to acknowledge our own uncertainty. Even in a culture that ridicules being wrong, we are more afraid of having no definite answers than of being wrong. The siren call of looking the other way when distraction presents itself is strong. It can lead us into just as much interpersonal trouble as the first two methods, but because this one acknowledges the possibility of our broader cultural wrongness, it can lead activists to some rewarding places in the meantime. Some people never realize that there is a method that encompasses the application of this method and makes it more emotionally sustainable.
Z. We can hold ourselves responsible for our expectations.
How do we begin to figure out what our assumptions and expectations and beliefs are, if they're invisible? Well it's as simple as making a list of everything you've ever disagreed with someone on. (Did I say it was easy? Simple =/= Easy.) Maybe your belief about something was justified ... but it is still a belief, and it still needs to be tested as a belief. We'll do a whole separate post on reality testing since that's the best link I can find.
You have been taught, all of your life, that you are your thoughts. And if I can prove that your thoughts on something are wrong then I will have killed a part of you. You mourn and seek revenge for this thought because you experience the pain of losing what you have been taught is your self, your identity. But what if there's another way? What if you aren't your thoughts and actions, just the thing behind them that handles how you think your thoughts? What if you are your personality, and not the beliefs and thoughts that fill in the blanks? Then, if I prove wrong something you believe, you can simply update the old belief to the new one, and still experience continuity of self. It will be embarrassing to not have spotted the misinformation, but no longer a devastating attack on your ego. If established as a cultural norm, the roots of our culture of disrespect could be slowly unraveled by challenging our ability to feel insulted or threatened by disagreement. Mental health would be more sustainable for everyone and I urge you to put this on your to-do list.
When someone questions what we think we have a grip on then we begin to have control issues with what we think are solid facts. We try to make other people stop telling us that this raft we are clinging to is not an island, try to force them to pretend that we are still on dry land. We try to convince ourselves that these rafts made of floating trash are islands, and we punish people for telling us that it looks like trash. The problem is that our expectations are invisible from the inside. We don't realize that our beliefs are beliefs, because from the inside they look like facts. We don't hold ourselves responsible for our beliefs, even though they are our responsibility. The people challenging our beliefs are the only target we can see. They become the enemy.
So what are our choices in these situations?
How do we begin to figure out what our assumptions and expectations and beliefs are, if they're invisible? Well it's as simple as making a list of everything you've ever disagreed with someone on. (Did I say it was easy? Simple =/= Easy.) Maybe your belief about something was justified ... but it is still a belief, and it still needs to be tested as a belief. We'll do a whole separate post on reality testing since that's the best link I can find.
You have been taught, all of your life, that you are your thoughts. And if I can prove that your thoughts on something are wrong then I will have killed a part of you. You mourn and seek revenge for this thought because you experience the pain of losing what you have been taught is your self, your identity. But what if there's another way? What if you aren't your thoughts and actions, just the thing behind them that handles how you think your thoughts? What if you are your personality, and not the beliefs and thoughts that fill in the blanks? Then, if I prove wrong something you believe, you can simply update the old belief to the new one, and still experience continuity of self. It will be embarrassing to not have spotted the misinformation, but no longer a devastating attack on your ego. If established as a cultural norm, the roots of our culture of disrespect could be slowly unraveled by challenging our ability to feel insulted or threatened by disagreement. Mental health would be more sustainable for everyone and I urge you to put this on your to-do list.