How to Walk on Eggshells
May. 10th, 2009 01:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flamingswordSo ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ultimate_bryan asked me how it was that I could now get away with telling people whack things about themselves with minimal upset. He was not there for my attaining 4th level and getting the Earn Forgiveness feat, so it's understandable that he's surprised. I am amazed myself sometimes. SOSHUL SKILLZ: I HAZ THEM! So I'm making up a conversation in which I impart wisdom to him for a change. :D Given an infinite timeline, all probabilities approach 1. It could eventually totally happen!
HEIDI: Hey, you know that thing a week ago with that person, where you had this particular response?
BRYAN: Yeah. What about it?
HEIDI: I was thinking it was like that thing a year ago, how a person did a similar thing and you responded by doing that. Do you remember it that way? Like, do we have a common context here?
BRYAN: Yeah.
HEIDI: Here are some other similarities about both situations, and why I think they both happenend that way. Witness the logic process that you used to interpret the situation. See how I totally get you and where you're coming from?
BRYAN: *is wary* I can see how the situations have things in common. You're going to say something critical now, aren't you?
HEIDI: Sorry, but yeah. Neither of those responses worked out very well for you, and I don't like seeing you get hurt. I get that you see these events from this perspective, and if I'd been through this thing your family did, then I'd think the same way. I identify with your miscommunication or other problem. I'm no better than you and do not pass judgement. But the other people in the situations don't know you like I do and they have an interpretation that goes like this and makes you look like a dick. The situation may not come up much, but maybe you could try something different next time? It's just a thought.
BRYAN: I don't have this problem with people who make sense, and I don't think I should have to change or justifying my actions.
HEIDI: Hey, you know you already have my approval, and while it can get painful to watch sometimes when you're upset over these things, you're also worth it. I'm not, like, invested in changing you, so if you don't want to change then don't. But if you want to talk about it and pick apart the logic, you can. I'm not going anywhere.
BRYAN: Oh. Is that it? I thought there was going to be judgement in there.
HEIDI: Nah. I left that habit behind at cleric lvl 3, mostly because someone pointed out my bullshit to me in a conversation just like this.
The lead-up is the most important bit. Use your own judgement on timing these conversations and don't bring them up in large groups. Ever. It makes people defensive and never goes well. Trust me. Once the time is right, you have to give people a context that you both agree on, and the events have to go in first as a foundation for the logical framework to go onto, so you'll need to recap the sequence of events relating to what you want to talk about, and two points of view to interpret those events from, one that is as close to how your friend sees things as you can manage (your shared context), and one as interpreted from a point inside their blind spot.
When we focus only on the things we want, or avoid thoughts that make us uncomfortable, or only exist in one way, where other people don't exist that same way, we develop blind spots where we are used to ignoring information. So we all have blind spots. Those behaviors are too common in our culture to have missed all of them even if you are lucky or well-brought-up enough to have missed any one of them. When we can't see one side of our information, we tend to build around it as though it does not exist, leaving vulnerable areas. Pointing out weaknesses is sensitive business, but helps avoid more pain in the long run.
The second most important bit goes last. Helpful! Easy to remember! Self-identify with the problem. After making sure you're both on the same page, make sure that your criticism is constructive and does not pose a threat to your friend's self-esteem. That will keep the defensive reaction at bay, keep them open to listening. Once someone feels attacked, they generally stop listening, because contemplating the 'for your own good' smackdown makes people feel powerless and just fails all over the place.
Now let's turn this around so I can give you my reasons for promoting this interaction model! You telling me that I have a problem with a specific social interaction as framed in a context of our shared network of people reminds me that I have a community. Reminders that I've made a place with you where I belong is very important to me, enough that it will keep me from freaking out that there's a problem (most of the time). That you're pointing this out means that you're planning on still being my friend by the time this situation would come up again, also reassuring. And you caring enough to point a problem out means that my having hurt feelings bothers you, again in the plus column.
As much as y'all may hate it, being my friend sometimes means hurting my feelings by pointing out a truth or perspective that I'm not seeing. But you pointing out how I just shot myself in the foot keeps my other foot from having a matching gunshot wound. I'm grateful for that, or I will be as soon as I quit limping around and grousing about the current pain.
And it hurts. You get to comment on my pain and make it a little worse, whether or not you want to hurt me. But our friendship has to be designed to survive these things, so we have to build our expectations accordingly. Mine are, and I highly recommend it for relationship longevity.
For reading down this far you get a link to an Obama t-shirt I want. Don't you feel special?
ultimate_bryan asked me how it was that I could now get away with telling people whack things about themselves with minimal upset. He was not there for my attaining 4th level and getting the Earn Forgiveness feat, so it's understandable that he's surprised. I am amazed myself sometimes. SOSHUL SKILLZ: I HAZ THEM! So I'm making up a conversation in which I impart wisdom to him for a change. :D Given an infinite timeline, all probabilities approach 1. It could HEIDI: Hey, you know that thing a week ago with that person, where you had this particular response?
BRYAN: Yeah. What about it?
HEIDI: I was thinking it was like that thing a year ago, how a person did a similar thing and you responded by doing that. Do you remember it that way? Like, do we have a common context here?
BRYAN: Yeah.
HEIDI: Here are some other similarities about both situations, and why I think they both happenend that way. Witness the logic process that you used to interpret the situation. See how I totally get you and where you're coming from?
BRYAN: *is wary* I can see how the situations have things in common. You're going to say something critical now, aren't you?
HEIDI: Sorry, but yeah. Neither of those responses worked out very well for you, and I don't like seeing you get hurt. I get that you see these events from this perspective, and if I'd been through this thing your family did, then I'd think the same way. I identify with your miscommunication or other problem. I'm no better than you and do not pass judgement. But the other people in the situations don't know you like I do and they have an interpretation that goes like this and makes you look like a dick. The situation may not come up much, but maybe you could try something different next time? It's just a thought.
BRYAN: I don't have this problem with people who make sense, and I don't think I should have to change or justifying my actions.
HEIDI: Hey, you know you already have my approval, and while it can get painful to watch sometimes when you're upset over these things, you're also worth it. I'm not, like, invested in changing you, so if you don't want to change then don't. But if you want to talk about it and pick apart the logic, you can. I'm not going anywhere.
BRYAN: Oh. Is that it? I thought there was going to be judgement in there.
HEIDI: Nah. I left that habit behind at cleric lvl 3, mostly because someone pointed out my bullshit to me in a conversation just like this.
The lead-up is the most important bit. Use your own judgement on timing these conversations and don't bring them up in large groups. Ever. It makes people defensive and never goes well. Trust me. Once the time is right, you have to give people a context that you both agree on, and the events have to go in first as a foundation for the logical framework to go onto, so you'll need to recap the sequence of events relating to what you want to talk about, and two points of view to interpret those events from, one that is as close to how your friend sees things as you can manage (your shared context), and one as interpreted from a point inside their blind spot.
When we focus only on the things we want, or avoid thoughts that make us uncomfortable, or only exist in one way, where other people don't exist that same way, we develop blind spots where we are used to ignoring information. So we all have blind spots. Those behaviors are too common in our culture to have missed all of them even if you are lucky or well-brought-up enough to have missed any one of them. When we can't see one side of our information, we tend to build around it as though it does not exist, leaving vulnerable areas. Pointing out weaknesses is sensitive business, but helps avoid more pain in the long run.
The second most important bit goes last. Helpful! Easy to remember! Self-identify with the problem. After making sure you're both on the same page, make sure that your criticism is constructive and does not pose a threat to your friend's self-esteem. That will keep the defensive reaction at bay, keep them open to listening. Once someone feels attacked, they generally stop listening, because contemplating the 'for your own good' smackdown makes people feel powerless and just fails all over the place.
Now let's turn this around so I can give you my reasons for promoting this interaction model! You telling me that I have a problem with a specific social interaction as framed in a context of our shared network of people reminds me that I have a community. Reminders that I've made a place with you where I belong is very important to me, enough that it will keep me from freaking out that there's a problem (most of the time). That you're pointing this out means that you're planning on still being my friend by the time this situation would come up again, also reassuring. And you caring enough to point a problem out means that my having hurt feelings bothers you, again in the plus column.
As much as y'all may hate it, being my friend sometimes means hurting my feelings by pointing out a truth or perspective that I'm not seeing. But you pointing out how I just shot myself in the foot keeps my other foot from having a matching gunshot wound. I'm grateful for that, or I will be as soon as I quit limping around and grousing about the current pain.
And it hurts. You get to comment on my pain and make it a little worse, whether or not you want to hurt me. But our friendship has to be designed to survive these things, so we have to build our expectations accordingly. Mine are, and I highly recommend it for relationship longevity.
For reading down this far you get a link to an Obama t-shirt I want. Don't you feel special?
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Date: 2009-05-11 04:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 07:29 am (UTC)