hanging my tomorrows on the bones of yesterday

See I can analyze things outside my head all day, but the inside of my headspace is a bit like a B-movie haunted house, all empty unlit rooms with hidden panels, pointless halls of locked doors, unexpected pit-traps. The emotions in polar conflict with each other is familiar, but then there's the ones that aren't on the same spectrum at all. When I used to get in fights there was the rage at the person, rage at myself for caring, joy of freedom to be what I was, fear of consequences, and the background hiss of despair that never went away.

It takes a long time for me to feel out the edges of these things and how they intersect, like other people have nightvision that works inside their heads like mine works outside. I'm still percolating the idea, but soon I should have a new behavioral model that actually applies to me and people over on this side of the bell curve. I have some concepts that make it most of the way but don't get it all, and it's crazymaking.