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flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
It's developed a plot.
... help!


You love Natasha being awesome, I love Natasha being awesome. So why not make this character-focused story about Cap being suddenly female turn into a MASSIVE MISSIVE about Natasha being a spy? Yeah.

Because who doesn't love competence porn? I just have to write ... a lot. And quit quietly freaking out about it.
flamingsword: Black Widow appears in a telephoto lens sight. (Black Widow)
So the outline is now six pages long, and only the first chapter of the outline is really fleshed out into scenes. I'm starting to get the OMGWTFBBQ feeling of having bitten off ridiculously more than I can chew, but I'm not gonna quit just because it's going to take a longer time than I had thought it was going to. But I am now looking for this thing to be done by maybe September rather than having previously thought it would be done by the end of June. And it will be multiple chapters. Should I post it chapter by chapter? Should I just post the whole thing in one go when it's done and edited? Protocol?

What do?

Also, there's no way to work Pepper into having a major role in this fic, and I'm kinda having withdrawals. No Pepper/Natasha this time. The sex, of which there will be some (ill-advised though it may be), is going to be a strange amalgam of queer and het, and I'm not sure how to tag for it? Demi-boy character in female body has sex with cisman? Is it possible for genderqueer people to be straight? What does straight even mean? So many questions I need to research on the nature of gender and sexuality. And I'm probably going to have to ask tumblr and piss off a bunch of trans activists and get yelled at, which will be a barrel of laughs. APPRECIATE MY SACRIFICES, FANDOM.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
So I was thinking that the two fics I was going to write, the Bucky&Nat bro!fic and the Agender!Cap fic, were going to be 15k between the two of them. Now they have become parts of the same story, and I will be lucky if this monster is done before it's 40k. And somehow it has turned into almost a Team As Family fic, which while one of my heart-squishiest genres was not something I was planning on writing. I still have a handle on the slow mission creep of extra things I need for the story (for now). I don't know how long that will be true for, though.

I have begun taking CEU's for updating my massage therapy license, which I have to do this month. I don't know why I let it go so late. Possibly I have dread and anxiety about diving into figuring out how to get my NCTMB certification without going back to school and spending thousands of dollars. I want to do the thing, but I don't want it to be complicated or stressful. And that is just not how life works, which sucks.

I still have a homeless friend living in my car, which is going to get dangerous here in a couple weeks when it starts breaking 95 degrees on the daily. Not sure what to do about that.
flamingsword: Tiny!Steve captioned Bad Body Day (Bad Body Day)
I keep getting more kudos on my fics. I have this slow but steady trickle of people reading and liking the things I wrote, and I am full of warm fuzzies about that. If you are one of the people who liked or commented on my fic, thank you so much. It means a lot to me. :D

In my effort to avoid living in my body right now I am trying to plot out the Agender!Cap fic where Natasha is better than everyone. Do I rely too much on Natasha being better than everyone? I don't care. But this story and it's follow up are going to need a lot of research and carefully sorting through the feelings of a lot of different people to find the reactions that are going to be useful to my narrative, so I am planning on watching some Marvel movies I haven't seen yet, like Ant-Man, and rewatching CA:CW.

I need to do my 12 continuing education hours before the end of June, and it would probably be best to do those this weekend. I am having trouble deciding how to finish a hat I am working on crocheting, the homeless friend is still living in my car and we need to find him a better place before he gets heatstroke, and I am working on making some bracelets for my sister and for people's xmas presents. That is what is going on with me currently. Ghost's brother is in the hospital right now for depression and dehydration and my sister-in-law is having a rough time dealing with the stress at the end of the school year. Ghost is worried and falling back on bad habits to deal with it, and his parents are coming into town pretty often to help deal with paperwork and hospitals. But hopefully everything starts looking up soon, with the new treatments.

My roommate narrowly avoided some financial trouble, but may not be able to attend their art commune event this weekend because of car trouble. I am getting ready for them to move this summer, trying to remember what belongs to who, what can be given to them if they need it (book cases) what I need to keep (kitchen rug) and that sort of thing. I want everything to go smoothly, but that only seems to happen with over-planning and aggressive preparation. So that's what I'm gonna do.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)


When I was young, I was perceived as intelligent, mostly because I was hyperlexic and loved puns which were considered to be beyond my age level. Whatever. But people had expectations about me because of those talents that didn't match up to the rest of me. Sometimes those mismatches were obvious and I would say so, and other times they were not obvious and I would try in vain to meet those expectations, sometimes for years. Sometimes for decades. I knew that I was never going to be an astronaut because I was no good at sports other than fighting (and I wasn't even great at that). I knew that I wasn't going to be a senator, no matter how good with words I was, because we were poor and my family did not look anything like TV families did, and people disapproved of us. But that did not keep people from having those expectations of me.

And maybe if I had been raised to think of talent as something that happens to you, something that comes from the outside and is bestowed on you, I would not have been so hard on myself. Maybe if our culture had that thought, they would have rested gentler expectations on me, and I'd have borne them easier.

But we can never know.
flamingsword: Black Widow appears in a telephoto lens sight. (Black Widow)
In the life of Natasha Romanoff, master spy, this is a busy week for emotional revelations.

flamingsword: Tiny!Steve captioned Bad Body Day (Bad Body Day)
Thanks to Resonant I have gotten the sex scene written. I porned! I think it doesn't suck! But ZOMG it was really, unreasonably hard. Have I told y'all lately how bad I am at feelings? And you know how psychosexual dynamics are basically all about feelings? Yeah, screw you, feelings. You suck.

I am grumpy today. Stiff. Pain at 4/10. Probably about to start my period today or tomorrow.

But most of the story is done. I'm gonna go take half a tramadol and take a nap and see about finishing this thing off and sending it to beta.
flamingsword: Graphic that says "Life Is Kinda Goofy." with an unsmiling emoji. (Life is Goofy)
So . . . writing is hard, y'all. *whines a lot*

I want to make Natasha's headspace as funny this time as it was the first story to keep things moving and from getting too angsty, but I'm not sure how well it's going to work thematically. I guess if my beta says it doesn't work I can always pull it out on the rewrite.

Today I am sad, and not sure why. I hurt less than I did a few months ago, shouldn't I be happier? But that is not always how things work out. Also they have the air conditioning cranked at work so I get cold every day now, which sucks for me. I am distracted, and I am losing the impetus to write the story. I may have to take a chill on it until it comes back. :( But I'll keep plugging along trying until I start getting nothing done at all.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
If you want to read my fic and hate spoilers, then skip this. But if you enjoy laughing at my pain (let's be honest, my pain is funny even to me) then feel free to witness my confusion below.

Basic fic premise: just after the fall of SHIELD, Natasha finds out about Yelena Belova's reconstructive surgery to look like her in order to infiltrate SHIELD's networks. Hard on the heels of this (only very slightly unsettling) news, Pepper reveals that she's been lying by omission about having superpowers the four months they've been dating. Pepper reveals this because Natasha is pretending to be emotionally stable despite her currently less than stellar emotional state (SHIELD/Yelena/her emotional confidantes being out of the country or unavailable).

So: if I let Pepper keep Extremis (and Extremis!Pepper is one of my favorite things, solid gold kink) then I'm not sure how to work that ideologically into the story from Pepper's point of view and keep my underlying theme of vulnerability and the need for trust. Maybe I can contrast her physical invulnerability with her higher emotional vulnerability after she killed Killian? Maybe Pepper feels outclassed being a glorified personal assistant dating OMG The World's Most Dangerous Spy? What would a normal person do here? Insert answer in comments. *points at comment button*

Most of the fic is written from Natasha's headspace because I had a complicated childhood (heh) and I'm better at writing her than Pepper. But there are a couple scenes that either have to be in Pepper's perspective or omniscient third person from nobody's perspective because they have to be a surprise to Natasha later. The problem with that being: I know how to make Natasha vulnerable, but Pepper is a normal, neurotypical person, and my powers of imagination are failing to bring me enough of what that's like to model the people in the situation. And if I can't model Pepper having the feels then I can't model a Natasha responding to her and I'm kinda stuck.

Do I make Pepper really anxious about revealing her secret and invent a reason for her fear? I could do that. That would increase her feelings of vulnerability and is a thing that normal people do, I am reasonably sure. Like 75%. I've read books where it happens? Or do I make her find out about Natasha's secret freaking out and have them fight about keeping secrets and write her vulnerability as the fear of losing relationships because of lack of trust? It would be difficult to write them fighting, but I could do it, and I have not seen any examples of two emotionally astute adults having an argument in any fandom, so maybe that needs to be written.

There needs to be a fic primer on How To Argue Like An Adult, and I could write that. Or you could write that. We could all write that! There needs to be a challenge where people write grown-up relationship problems. Kinda like Take Your Fandom To Work day, but with relationship troubles. I should poke a BNF and see if it gets traction.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
So I guess I agree with King et. al. on the sparing use of adverbs. But his crusade against the passive voice I find ideologically limiting. What if I want a character to sound like a stuffed shirt? What if someone is afraid and uncertain in their head and you want the passive voice to help reflect their indecision? I agree that it's got more limited uses than the active voice, but it's not like it should be done away with.

I find I have missed Steven King's kookiness. I had forgotten how charmed I am by his writing style in the . . . holy carp, son of a fish, twenty years since I last read anything of his. I will have to pick up some of his stuff when I'm done writing this.

In other news, not reading anything in the Marvel fandom today and yesterday has made it easier to get things written. I'm not fighting other people's versions of characters, I'm figuring out my own. Maybe I should be on an input/output diet, where I don't try to consume anything in a particular fandom on days when I'm writing in that fandom.

I also got a recommendation from a co-worker, who saw me reading. She says that if I like Steven King's non-horror then I should try GK Chesterton. I'll put him on the list. He's old school enough that some of his work is probably on Project Gutenberg by now.
flamingsword: Geek pride with glasses (geek pride)
Can I just complain that writing is hard every day until I'm done?

I started reading Stephen King's On Writing to maybe get some ideas on process that don't come from years of being in fandom and reading the blogs of people who occasionally mention their writing process, which I like? Vaguely? Remember? And that was enough to write the first installment of my story, and yay, I did the thing.

But now there's more thing in my head, and it's not going anywhere, so I guess I'd better get serious about writing so that I can at least bring it to people in a way that maximizes their enjoyment of the thing I want to write.

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