Internal validation is like self-respect plus accountability for harm, multiplied by the fractional amount of your self esteem. You already have internal validation, you just don't use it nearly as much as you probably use external validation, which is more how much other people treat you with respect plus feelings people are willing to show you times how much other people can be gotten to like you. It is a value that can be used to manipulate you, so of course it's what we teach our kids.
To be internally validating takes a couple months of getting used to, and you can't give up on it just because you are bad at it. But that thing where you feel internally pressured to "help" or "make yourself useful" or "make people feel better" is a thing that you developed, not to actually treat people like you like them, but to get them to not reject you and deprive you of attention. (The way your parents deprived you of attention)
Now that I have good internal validation skills, being rejected is kind of sad, but no longer devastating. YMMV.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2019-12-08 08:28 pm (UTC)To be internally validating takes a couple months of getting used to, and you can't give up on it just because you are bad at it. But that thing where you feel internally pressured to "help" or "make yourself useful" or "make people feel better" is a thing that you developed, not to actually treat people like you like them, but to get them to not reject you and deprive you of attention. (The way your parents deprived you of attention)
Now that I have good internal validation skills, being rejected is kind of sad, but no longer devastating. YMMV.