CBT post: Communication with I-Statements.

An I-statement is any thought or feeling beginning with the word I. Since using the word you can put people on the defensive, it contributes to breakdowns in communication. Arguments often escalate, not because someone was wrong, but because of how we communicate through defensive feelings of perceived attack. Although it is easy to disagree with an interpretation of facts, it is much harder to argue with how someone feels. The following formula can be used to reframe your thoughts into I-statements.

1. What is the problem behavior?
2. Why didn't I like it? How did I feel when it happened?
3. What would I like the person to do next time instead?

Although people are responsible for various behaviors, blaming them is rarely helpful outside of cases of abuse. Nobody thrives in an atmosphere of blame. The most helpful approach, usually, is to is to assertively communicate what you see the problem to be, without labeling or name calling, and turn quickly to an action request. Example: "I feel neglected and unimportant when you are late picking me up. Could you set your alarm 5 minutes earlier to be more consistently on time?"

Many who have a passive style (and an undeserving belief) may think, "I don't have a right to make requests of someone else." Conversely, people who have a more aggressive style (and perhaps entitlement beliefs or who struggle with anger) may think, "They owe it to me - I'll make them give it", or thoughts of that nature. So, while some may have difficulty mustering up the nerve to communicate in I-statements, others are presented with the task of calming down enough to communicate in I-statements.

Three problems in my current relationships are:
1.
2.
3.

Using an I-statement, what would be an assertive way to communicate this problem to the other person:
1.
2.
3.

This week I will practice assertive communication with: _____