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My one experience with jealousy
Jul. 15th, 2010 04:42 amIt wasn't the first energy trade that Doug and I did (I looked it up- the timing's wrong) but maybe it was one of the secondary ones when we were doing reiki training. Trading large chunks of energy with other people can cause odd behavior pattern shifts, out-of-character thoughts and feelings, as you experience some of that person's pattern. Doug and I used to do that to understand each other better.
I was having a frustrating and difficult day at work. I walked into the break room between clients, and Yvonne was there counting out her tip money to log it before she left. She had a lot more in tips than I had been making that day and I felt this odd sensation of anger and something I'm not familiar with. It felt a little like helplessness and the kind of wanting that makes your chest ache and a lot like I was going to be sick. I think it was jealousy. From how it's been described, it sounds a lot like it. And I was in a defensive, insecure place professionally where someone who had better social skills but worse therapeutic skills was doing better than I was, so the situation was right for it to be jealousy. I'm not sure what else it could be, so I'm just going to label it jealousy even though it's a singular experience with no referent. It really sucked.
I am glad I am not fully human. From an emotional standpoint, I have a lot less invested in the feelings I do have and I have fewer emotions than you do in most situations. Unless I am actively engaged in liking or objecting to something, I probably have no emotional reaction to it. In contrast to what I perceive your existence to be like, it is very easy for me to be logical under circumstances where other people think that logic does not apply. If that was jealousy and most of you experience that on any kind of regular basis, then I understand a lot more of the completely irrational things people do to stop feeling that way. I have empathy for it now, or sympathy, or something like one of those where I have the memory of a feeling I can't even explain. I have made bad decisions when I was in pain before, and that would be a difficult pain to get used to.
I was having a frustrating and difficult day at work. I walked into the break room between clients, and Yvonne was there counting out her tip money to log it before she left. She had a lot more in tips than I had been making that day and I felt this odd sensation of anger and something I'm not familiar with. It felt a little like helplessness and the kind of wanting that makes your chest ache and a lot like I was going to be sick. I think it was jealousy. From how it's been described, it sounds a lot like it. And I was in a defensive, insecure place professionally where someone who had better social skills but worse therapeutic skills was doing better than I was, so the situation was right for it to be jealousy. I'm not sure what else it could be, so I'm just going to label it jealousy even though it's a singular experience with no referent. It really sucked.
I am glad I am not fully human. From an emotional standpoint, I have a lot less invested in the feelings I do have and I have fewer emotions than you do in most situations. Unless I am actively engaged in liking or objecting to something, I probably have no emotional reaction to it. In contrast to what I perceive your existence to be like, it is very easy for me to be logical under circumstances where other people think that logic does not apply. If that was jealousy and most of you experience that on any kind of regular basis, then I understand a lot more of the completely irrational things people do to stop feeling that way. I have empathy for it now, or sympathy, or something like one of those where I have the memory of a feeling I can't even explain. I have made bad decisions when I was in pain before, and that would be a difficult pain to get used to.