flamingsword (
flamingsword) wrote2023-04-19 02:48 pm
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Messy feelings about stuff
Meow. Time to drop a bomb, I guess? Ghost’s and my marriage may not be going to hit its 13th anniversary this May. I’m not sure what’s going on, but he thinks we will be able to change over from an apparently-though-not-to-me strained romantic relationship to a healthy living-together friendship. I am not sure I believe him about this.
I think we will be able to finish out most of our lease together, though I am not sure how rapidly or even whether we will evolve to the point of not wanting to live together. I am having the occasional moment of Big Feelings but I am mostly not feeling much yet. It will get worse later, but I have received multiple offers of emotional support, so my community are providing care for me. I kind of worry about Ghost since he has all of two people as his community and a four person family, none of whom have experienced his particular situation. But then, I guess I should probably detach from those worries somewhat if we’re going to be just friends. Meow.
You can ask questions, although I may not know answers yet. 🫂🫂🫂
I think we will be able to finish out most of our lease together, though I am not sure how rapidly or even whether we will evolve to the point of not wanting to live together. I am having the occasional moment of Big Feelings but I am mostly not feeling much yet. It will get worse later, but I have received multiple offers of emotional support, so my community are providing care for me. I kind of worry about Ghost since he has all of two people as his community and a four person family, none of whom have experienced his particular situation. But then, I guess I should probably detach from those worries somewhat if we’re going to be just friends. Meow.
You can ask questions, although I may not know answers yet. 🫂🫂🫂
Thoughts
Alas!
>> I’m not sure what’s going on, <<
Well, that's never a good thing with relationship issues.
>> but he thinks we will be able to change over from an apparently-though-not-to-me strained romantic relationship to a healthy living-together friendship. I am not sure I believe him about this. <<
Regardless of what is actually going on, if you the two of you do not know what is going on, that makes any positive resolution unlikely. Some things you might examine ...
What is his level and your level of desired romance?
What is his level and your level of desired eroticism?
If both have declined, and you are both content with that, then living together platonically may actually work. It happens fairly often; people don't always even talk about it, just drift into it.
But if one person's interest in one or both aspects is now much higher than the others, that is a likely source of conflict and a common cause of breakups if it can't be fixed.
So first, try to think about how you and he are feeling, and then, what if anything you wish to do about that.
You might also want to check your own and his sexual and romantic orientations, and gender identity. Sometimes people realize things about this stuff later in life when it can make a right mess of their living arrangements -- and it's not always obvious that's the root issue, because this culture doesn't encourage people to think about those things. Wanting to switch from a romantic to a platonic relationship is a clue to check them.
Some people find couples therapy helpful in this type of situation, others not. In any case, just looking at concerns and questions may be illuminating.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/is-it-time-to-go-to-couples-counseling/
https://northstarfrisco.com/therapy/signs-couples-need-counseling/
https://www.jouslinesavra.com/20-helpful-marriage-counseling-questions-to-ask-your-spouse/
https://web.archive.org/web/20220902195107/https://gatewaycounseling.com/top-100-couples-therapy-questions-by-topic/
>> I am having the occasional moment of Big Feelings but I am mostly not feeling much yet. It will get worse later, <<
Sometimes it helps to identify feelings and sit with them. Also, reserving a time for them can make it easier to set them aside at other times so they don't run you ragged.
https://positivepsychology.com/understanding-emotions/
https://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/emotional-health/self-check-in
https://declutterthemind.com/blog/feel-your-feelings/
https://www.beckybelinsky.com/blog/5-steps-to-sitting-with-your-felings
>> but I have received multiple offers of emotional support, so my community are providing care for me.<<
That's good.
If you find yourself getting overwhelmed, or you need help, jot down what. Then when someone asks you how they can help, pull out the list. It's a lot easier than trying to remember on the spur of the moment when you're already frazzled. Sometimes it really helps to have someone do a mundane thing like pick up mail for you, other times you need company on a walk through the park to get out of the house.
>>I kind of worry about Ghost since he has all of two people as his community and a four person family, none of whom have experienced his particular situation. <<
That is a valid concern. Loneliness is more deadly than smoking or obesity. You might look for ways that he could meet new people and form meaningful connections -- assuming he finds people to be tolerable and potentially worth knowing.
>> But then, I guess I should probably detach from those worries somewhat if we’re going to be just friends. <<
If you continue living together, then his problems will affect you whether you are romantically involved or not.
If you part company, then detaching from those worries makes more sense.
I hope things turn out okay for you.
Re: Thoughts
Re: Thoughts
(Anonymous) 2023-04-20 06:08 pm (UTC)(link)