Alexithymia, noun: a difficulty finding words for or discussing feelings

[flamingsword]

Hokay, so: there's three different avenues to acquiring alexithymia, and it is relatively important to know where it is coming from:

• There's brain stuff (bc neurodivergence just be like that sometimes),
• there's de-personalization and dissociation as an early childhood trauma response during the stage when you're supposed to learn feelings and the names for them, and/or:
• there's alexithymia as a learned behavior from your repressive or neglectful family.

I, for instance, have a mixed bag of all three flavors, which is why I have been studying this stuff for such a long time. Since I am not going to ask you for really sensitive information on a public post or to break confidences etc., I'm just going to give you a brief rundown on stuff with some links and applicable search terms so that you can see where I'm starting from and then do your own research if necessary.

The family stuff is the easiest to find but possibly the hardest to read. Seriously, if you had an unhappy family of origin, this is your content warning. First we're going to go for "Gottman emotion coaching", and then "emotion dismissing parent", then get some ice cream before reading up on "childhood emotional neglect" because those are not fun reads for anyone who loves a person who was emotionally neglected, and ESPECIALLY SO if it can bring up stuff from your own childhood. Then, looking on the bright side we're going to look up "emotional neglect solutions" and "emotion co-regulation in adults" for some potential steps.

The childhood trauma is a rough beast to pin down. There's too many directions that goes depending on what the trauma was, how it was handled, what the triggers are, and how you/your loved one are used to coping. I wish I could be more help on this, but I make a pretty cut-rate guru.

Brain stuff, however, is simpler to find. You just input the direction someone's neurominority diverges in (autism, adhd, ptsd, etc.) and the words alexithymia or "naming feelings" in quotes to get the kind of results you're looking for.

My tips and tricks:

Give extra time for naming feelings (10-15 seconds is usually good) and don't distract or help someone while they're finding the words. You can sometimes offer a word if you guys have that agreement, but always rescuing people from the hard stuff that they can and should do is a good way to create dependency, which is not a great idea.

Ask them to describe what their body feels like when they seem to be feeling some type of way. Noticing how feelings feel in our bodies is important for recognizing emotions as they happen, which is a slightly different skillset from reflecting on them in hindsight.

Print out a large version of the feelings wheel. I have one of these and it's been a marriage-saver.

Have them tell you the negative patterns previous friendships / relationships have fallen into, so that you can brainstorm workarounds together and work on the most relevant skills and coping methods. Be each other's accountability buddies if that is a thing that works for your relationship.

Do you/your pal/your loved one have a hard time dealing with frustration from job/family/life? Get a journal to write in, or email your accountability buddy with the stuff that might be too heavy to listen to when you want to focus your together time on positive experiences.

The spouse and I are still trying to get in the habit of naming one feeling to each other every day, which I've heard helps. Some businesses do a weekly check in with two or three feelings which I might try switching us to, since we are not highly emotive people but we can reliably have three emotions in a week, lol.

If someone needs help sometimes and you have the bandwidth, ask them if you can do the thing. Asking how to help calm someone down *before it happens* is really helpful, especially for folks with anxiety. If you are the person with the alexithymia: do you respond best to verbal or physical reassurance? Or do care-taking behaviours feel stifling and controlling because of bad associations? Are you a listen-while-I'm-venting type, or a help-me-problem-solve-first type? Once you're aware enough of your self-regulation methods, tell your loved ones those things.

If you have coping methods or skill-building techniques PLEASE SHARE! Like, holy crap are you kidding?! We need all the help we can get out here. XD

Comments

[ex_flameandsong751]

Thank you for posting this.

If alexithymia is a spectrum I'm somewhere on there. Like, I can identify some/most of my feelings but slowly... but the general rule with me is by the time I realize I'm feeling some kind of way it's too late and it's cranked up to eleven - like for example, when I realize I have romantic/sexual feelings for someone I "boiling frogged" my way there and suddenly I'm like "HEY WAIT THE FUCK". It's hard for me to identify these kinds of feelings because I squish a lot, I'm a very warm-fuzzy person with my friends. It took me like two years to realize I had feelings for my last ex, while it was obvious to everyone else. In the current situation I'm in with [Redacted] it took far less time to figure out but I like to think I'm getting slightly better at self-awareness.

That feelings wheel DOES help me, by the way.

we can reliably have three emotions in a week, lol.

I can have three emotions per week and believe seven impossible things before breakfast! [Also I don't eat breakfast LMAO]

[flamingsword]

Jon: [Also I don't eat breakfast LMAO]

me: *frowns at you, like a proper Hobbit*

I am glad the stuff I have seen and been through can help y’all. It kinda makes up for a lot of the ass-pain of getting that experience. I’m just sorry others need more help than I know how to be, and that you’re in this situation at all.

I generally know when I’m drawn to someone but cannot tell if it’s sexual, non sexual, or some weird amalgam of several flavors of relationships, so I feel you on the confusion.

Good luck with [Redacted]! If there’s stuff I can help with, you know I’m gonna try.

Okay, time to sleep now. x_x

[sabotabby]

Oooh this is really good!

[flamingsword]

Thanks! Someone I like asked for help, and you know how I get.

[we_are_spc]

Guuuuh. I need to figure out how to make a feelings-wheel that's blind friendly.

Which is both easier than harder than it sounds because tracing wheels are a thing, it's just brailing in the right sections that might be a pain in my ass

I haven't looked a the links yet, but this seems pretty darn cool. :d

-T~

[flamingsword]

Didn’t I type out a feelings wheel for you? I vaguely recall doing something like that. ::checks::

https://flamingsword.dreamwidth.org/297852.html

[we_are_spc]

....

Faulty Covid memory. Yeah, that's what I'm blaming it on. LOL

Thank you <3

[flamingsword]

Hey, I barely remember it, and I’m the one who did it! :D No worries.

[motorharp]

This is really good post!

[flamingsword]

I am very glad that you find it so! If you have stuff that you/your friends do that helps you feel and name your feelings, feel free to share!