flamingsword (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
flamingsword) wrote2010-04-13 01:27 am
flamingsword) wrote2010-04-13 01:27 am
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The dark living room of the soul ...
... wherein I have bruised my shins on the hidden coffee table that is my judgments about myself.
The black body behavior of my emotions and desires seems to be that I can only tell what's going on when the system is in a high stress/high energy state. Since under normal circumstances I have no clear vision of my wants or feelings, I have to repeatedly subject myself to periods of high excitation in order to keep any kind of self-knowledge going on. I feel like I need to do drugs again. :(
To create new goals and stress-test my system, I've been working on THE LIST by reading whatt I wrote down in last year's day-planner + notebook + yellow legal pad that went along with the end of last year. It's fucking with my head. The number of things I forget in a month's time is appalling to me for a number of reasons. Let me enumerate them.
I judge myself harshly when reading about things I've said I was going to do for you and forgotten. It makes me feel like a bad friend, like I let you down, like I'm even more full of shit than the trash talking that I do for entertainment value. You're important to me, but my actions don't reflect that as well as I would like.
I judge myself harshly for not having a better system in place. Even though the technology to do much better is now available, I have recently acquired a lot of unlooked-for debt that puts that out of reach 'til the end of the year. But the number of things that got noted on one week of last years planner and moved across several weeks but never got crossed off and was just abandoned? That is unacceptable to me. I don't know what constitutes a fair standard to hold myself to, and so I'm holding myself up to a probably-unfair standard because falling short of a high aim is usually a better tactic for getting things done than achieving a low goal. Which is sort of the point of why I'm looking for new goals. :\
That I do what I can towards maintaining my memory and still fall so far short of my ideal makes me feel defeated and helpless. By itself, none of those things would be that big a deal, but I've got that juggling-too-many-plates feeling again. As much as I enjoy being a weirdo and not having to deal with a lot of the mainstream crap, I do wish I had a lot of the things normal people have. A memory that worked would be nice, even if it only worked in one direction.
Also: the vast volume of shared social events noted down but unremembered even upon the reminder frightens me that I may be losing my mind. I have no objective way to judge how quickly I lose things, and if other people have these sorts of problems, I haven't noticed. Lots of people I know think they have a bad memory, but given a context or a few details will be able to remember. Now, even though I'm the one that recorded the details most likely to bring up the relevant memory, I can't recall several things that I wrote down. It's just gone.
I base a lot of my feelings of value in my use of my mind. This is terrifying to me.
The black body behavior of my emotions and desires seems to be that I can only tell what's going on when the system is in a high stress/high energy state. Since under normal circumstances I have no clear vision of my wants or feelings, I have to repeatedly subject myself to periods of high excitation in order to keep any kind of self-knowledge going on. I feel like I need to do drugs again. :(
To create new goals and stress-test my system, I've been working on THE LIST by reading whatt I wrote down in last year's day-planner + notebook + yellow legal pad that went along with the end of last year. It's fucking with my head. The number of things I forget in a month's time is appalling to me for a number of reasons. Let me enumerate them.
I judge myself harshly when reading about things I've said I was going to do for you and forgotten. It makes me feel like a bad friend, like I let you down, like I'm even more full of shit than the trash talking that I do for entertainment value. You're important to me, but my actions don't reflect that as well as I would like.
I judge myself harshly for not having a better system in place. Even though the technology to do much better is now available, I have recently acquired a lot of unlooked-for debt that puts that out of reach 'til the end of the year. But the number of things that got noted on one week of last years planner and moved across several weeks but never got crossed off and was just abandoned? That is unacceptable to me. I don't know what constitutes a fair standard to hold myself to, and so I'm holding myself up to a probably-unfair standard because falling short of a high aim is usually a better tactic for getting things done than achieving a low goal. Which is sort of the point of why I'm looking for new goals. :\
That I do what I can towards maintaining my memory and still fall so far short of my ideal makes me feel defeated and helpless. By itself, none of those things would be that big a deal, but I've got that juggling-too-many-plates feeling again. As much as I enjoy being a weirdo and not having to deal with a lot of the mainstream crap, I do wish I had a lot of the things normal people have. A memory that worked would be nice, even if it only worked in one direction.
Also: the vast volume of shared social events noted down but unremembered even upon the reminder frightens me that I may be losing my mind. I have no objective way to judge how quickly I lose things, and if other people have these sorts of problems, I haven't noticed. Lots of people I know think they have a bad memory, but given a context or a few details will be able to remember. Now, even though I'm the one that recorded the details most likely to bring up the relevant memory, I can't recall several things that I wrote down. It's just gone.
I base a lot of my feelings of value in my use of my mind. This is terrifying to me.
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I have been feeling pretty warm and fuzzy the past few days, and I wish I could send some of that your way.
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While you may not be able to do a whole lot about memory issues (though there are some supplements and sleep patterns out there that could help), you can do something about how you treat them. You have always been one of the most self-aware people I know, and very upfront about weaknesses in a way that almost prevents their being limiting. This can be no exception. Accept, embrace, and love that part of yourself all the more for being fucked up and unavoidable--like parents. Think of this as that uncomfortable but necessary part of your life wherein you realize that although, in some ways, your parents define you, they are fallible and the extent to which you can thrive at life will depend upon how well you can accept and overcome their (and now your) limitations.
[more hugs... and a promise not to create too many false memories we never shared!]
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Lols -- no, really, you're not that bad. !
I do think you're being too hard on yourself, by far. If I tried a comprehensive audit of all of the notes of ideas, projects, journals, ect. that I've got around everywhere, I'd spend far more time organizing than actually doing anything -- for like a year. And when I was done, I'd have forgotten the top of that masterpiece by the time I finished it. I know -- I've actually done it. Several times. That's why I'm currently on the fifth version of such a project -- and I really hope I've got the correct sort of organization for it this time around.....
Creative people 'suffer' from an abundance of thoughts and ideas. It will drive you mad for your whole life. Get used to it. To compound the issue -- basic survival and the stresses and exhaustion of supporting yourself and working towards the goals you do remember also make it hard to keep a broad image of one's overall goals in mind. It is frustrating, but I'd think that's just the nature of life for anyone thoughtful....
Even H.P. Lovecraft once said, "The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents."
Ugh. The limitations of mortality......
I'd say if you have one flaw on this topic, it's that you think a lot and don't fixate often. Less thoughtful people may seem to remember more -- but I believe they simply think less, and therefore have less to forget. Most people really are very simple about what they think and want in life. I think there is a fine line between OCD and mere simplicity, to the distant observer...
If you really think you're that bad....You could make a giant wall-sized list. Sort of like that guy on that show who forgot everything every 10 minutes or so, and had writing and reminders all over every wall....only more simple-like, since your memory actually does work. If you woke up every morning faced with a wall of your more important goals and thoughts, they'd be a lot more difficult to forget.
Also, I think my point on your thinky-ness will also get made well, when you're faced with a whole wall of remembrances, and find yourself only fractionally represented. ;)
Good luck!
*hugs*
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I agree with WP!
If I tried a comprehensive audit of all of the notes of ideas, projects, journals, ect. that I've got around everywhere, I'd spend far more time organizing than actually doing anything -- for like a year.
Oh crap...
And when I was done, I'd have forgotten the top of that masterpiece by the time I finished it.
Crap, crap, crap. That's exactly what I'm dealing with now.
[stops consoling FlamingSword, sits beside her, and begins taking notes]
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I have these drawing-board sized post-it pads that we could use, if we had some space . . . We could use sliding glass doors as wall space to stick them to, and every apartment seems to have those.
Good idea/bad idea?
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I'm strong enough to face this down, but realize that when I say that all the things that scare me are inside my head, this is what I'm talking about.
*hugs you*
I've been contemplating making a master list of strange training I did to my brain, and seeing if I want to undo any of it. But my coping mechanisms brought me to you guys, so I'm pretty grateful. :)
Re: *hugs you*
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If you wanted to come out to Arlington, I have a nice spacious living room at my house.
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