flamingsword | feelings I'm sorting through

In the wake of $500 of unexpected car repairs, I may not be going to CMA this spring. So all of the normal head-sorting that's supposed to happen there, the entire reason I started going, will need to be handled by me, outside ritual space. Won't this be fun?

I have come to the conclusion that I need my own personal meta: I can't just have feelings, I need to deconstruct my head so that I can have feelings about my feelings.

* I brush my teeth because I think I should, but if you ask me how I feel about brushing my teeth I will give you a blank stare as I try to figure out what you're asking me, because I generally don't bother having or paying attention to emotional connections to things that are not people. I don't sweat the small stuff - not through some feat of enlightenment, but because I don't have enough sweat to go around. Frugality by the wealthy is a lot more startling than frugality by the poor: one is conscientious and the other necessary. If I went around feeling all the things other people seem to feel I'd be worn out in an hour.

There are some non-people things I need to get a handle on, like my feelings about self-awareness, employment, and goal and deadline orientation. My attitudes toward attraction and acting on my feelings need to be re-examined as well.

* I push people away when all I have to share is destruction and pain, even though I realize that that's not my decision to make. I try to just give people warnings when bad things are coming, and multiple warnings when those bad things are coming from me. I try to tell myself that you are all strong and that I may hurt your feelings, but that I won't do you any lasting damage. Realize that this is about as adult as I am capable of being on this matter, since the scariest thing in the world to me is ME. I have tried being rational about this, to no avail. Got advice? You know where the comment button is.

* Radical Feri teaches the binary form of the emotional multiplicity thing I already do. You hold two powerful and conflicting things in opposition, for instance love and rage, and then center yourself between them to keep yourself balanced. Some stability comes from being immobile, but Feri is a bit more proactive than that, so they invented a new concept of balance to go with the more dynamic paradigm.

Here's the Tao of Heidi: you periodically run your cognitive dissonance up as high as you can, have several feelings and viewpoint on an idea, and then fight all the sides of the argument between your selves. I get stronger ideas from it, but it's conflict, and it's stressful to test your breaking strain. It's drama and I'm out of practice at starting it. Who misses being an emo kid? That would be me.

I think this is where the restless strength of my crazy comes from, though, and why it lies dormant so well: rational analysis usually yields one answer better than the rest: if there are no emotions big enough there's no need for counterbalancing. And my emotions and I don't usually talk much. :|

* I don't distinguish between pack bonding and pair bonding like most people do. I think that's where the polyamory comes in for me. I won't automatically want to have crazy monkey sex with everyone I love, I'm just not that attracted to people. But I won't automatically stop wanting to snuggle and make out with and give orgasms like presents just because I'm with someone, either. I'm used to setting up rules for myself and following them pro forma to keep other people from getting hurt. I'm good at following rules I set, and there's a limit to how hurt other people can be when they had realistic knowledge of what to expect. When they want to have unrealistic expectations, that's not my fault.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You know, for a self proclaimed crazy person? You make a hell of a lot of scary type sense sometimes ;)

Re: most of this, the important thing is not that you achieve the pinnacle of emotional balance or even awareness, but that you keep trying to. Which is obviously not to say, you know, stop trying, but try to stop stressing out that you're not there yet. I mean, I get that it's hard, but just keep swimming! Journey not destination, roses, etc.

And dude, re: that last: WORD. It is so, so, so hard to accept, isn't it? But if you're being honest, that's all you can do. Whether they're listening, whether they actually apply it to how they think of your relationship, that's on them.

Also, I love the concept of giving orgasms like presents. *G*

How protective of your friends are you? How crazy does it make you when they're in danger? Now imagine the thing that's going to snap at them, and be cruel, and push them around lives in your skin. All those feelings of wanting to warn off the predator, of baring your teeth at the interloper, directed inwards.

That on top of the fact that when I change the relationships between parts of myself it changes the emotional distance between those parts. I'm basically restructuring my head, and it always FEELS dire. I can't stop swimming, but that doesn't mean I enjoy feeling like a shark, y'know?

The not-push-away and the own-your-truths are the two hardest parts for me. They're the newest things behaviorally, and the ones I have recent experience fucking up. It's just, when I get tlike this? That dire feeling? Communicates itself as crazy, and people who know me tend to ignore the crazy and assume it's how things always are. Most people, even my friends, don't differentiate between subtypes.

Yeah, sometimes I like the stuff that falls out of my head. I may have to hold onto that one for reuse. :)

I understand your need for sacred or at least formalized space in order to deal with these feelings. You probably cannot accept my home as such a place, or even my spare bedroom, but I can still offer if necessary. The feeling you describe is one that needs permission to be expressed externally.

"I have tried being rational about this, to no avail. Got advice?"
Do you understand this scary you? And I don't just mean bits and pieces. Do you truly understand exactly what it is and why it is?

I find that simply watching such things gives me incredibly insights. I find this is a hard process though because once I fully understand it, I can do nothing but accept what I learn. Usually this means that I have to accept a part of me that i previously thought was undesirable.

"so they invented a new concept of balance to go with the more dynamic paradigm. "
o_O. Polarity is both incredibly simple and incredibly complex. A topic that has been continuously looked at for countless centuries. The topic is useful in any format presented. I'm most curious about this invention. I suspect it's a new face on an old idea.

Your Tao of Heidi is fascinating! That technique will produce lots of growth. :) I might need to consciously attempt it.

$500 isn't that much in the grand scheme of things. i would check out the craigslist gigs section and pick up a little extra work for the next month or so -- i bet you can manifest the money if it's really important to you.

Registration deadline is in 4 days. Josh is getting us day passes for his wedding, but we are probably not camping there.

They posted something on the land list serv about a "stimulus package." My understanding is that as long as your membership is up to date you can purchase tickets at the gate for 80. You might want to double check that is accurate, but that's what I understood. I'm sorry things aren't going well. Hugs.

You don't have to like yourself, but you do have to live with yourself so you might as well try to sort it and understand it. It took me eons but I LIKE who I am. I have no advice other than really knowing all parts of yourself, knowledge is power but beware of the Knowledge Threshold (too much knowledge too soon [or without methods of dealing with it] is dangerous). :)

Yaeh, that's why my usual method of dealing with things has been to conveniently forget anything that was too big to deal with. But I'm all grown up, and the other me says I'm ready to deal with this stuff, so . . .

I like myself, I do. But I also like spiders and snakes and other deadly creatures. Liking yourself doesn't protect the world from you breaking it, it just gives you less of a reason to INTEND harm.

concerning warning people about yourself and pushing them away:
First, I used to do those, and you should take what I say as at least partly subjective rather than objective. Second, I found (after a long, painful time) more meaning in expressing the pain and frustration than in hiding it from people. Third, it helps me be comfortable with who I am, even when others aren't, and in the end I decided that that was more important.

Fourth, channeling your own scariness makes the world bow to you, and you can quote me on that. Every badass and genius ever had weirdness that they channeled, but I don't mean "channel" like people think of channeling a spirit. I mean it as in channeling the flow of water. Find an aspect of yourself that can give you strength in a situation, and be creative about that. If necessary, think of the situation as a task, and your feelings and responses as tools.

Oh, yeah, I should probably mention that I'm fine with being crazy and keeping myself that way to accomplish my goals. Don't take this as sane advice.

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