Death and the Maiden

[flamingsword]

Sorting through my head again, and I find myself wanting to talk about things that I don't talk about. Most of you have heard the "I've had four orgasms ever and you're all lucky bitches" rant, haven't you? So I'll tell you the part of being dead that I don't talk about because it freaks people out.

I've been dead three times, you've heard that bit. What I omit from that story is how, the time when Larry stood on my shoulders in the pool 'til I passed out underwater, I liked it. Not the dying part so much: drowning is relatively peaceful, but it still makes your lungs ache, and when you wake up you get to vomit chlorine and ache everywhere. But I remember BEING dead that time, and it was . . . nice.

Other people get tunnels toward transcendant light, departed loved ones with messages of reassurance, or out of body experiences watching over themselves. This all goes toward my "other people are lucky bitches" ranting, but I probably wouldn't have traded the experience (everyone I loved was still alive at the time).

Instead I was part of a boundless, weightless darkness. I all directions, everywhere, there was nothing to compare, nothing to change, nothing to do or be or want.

It was perferct.

For a slice of eternity there was peace. I had never had that, had no context for it when it was spoken of. It changed something inside me, how I related to myself and the world. I honestly don't think I would have survived Larry dying if I hadn't known that death wasn't so bad.

So if I have an offbeat attitude to funerals, killing people, and death, now you know why. I'll still miss you when you die, but I'll know that despite any grieving I'm doing, you have a pretty good chance of tunnels of light, cold transcendence, the warmth of love, or miraculous dark. I may not have any definite beliefs about reincarnation, but I don't have any reason to need a Heaven either. I love this world as well as I know how, and if I get that after? Then I am content.

Comments

[elucreh.livejournal.com]

That's pretty awesome. ^_^

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

I think so, but people will sometimes change the subject when I talk about this in person. For some reason soul-baring is more acceptable in print than in conversation. Freaky.

[maeritrae.livejournal.com]

I can relate to this. Not the being-dead part, but the awareness of something beyond - not necessarily even a thing, and not necessarily what one expects, but a comforting awareness. I mourn when people die, but generally I am mourning my loss, and perhaps anything they missed out on.

Let's all be weird together. :D

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

We ARE all weird together; YAY INTERNETS!!!

[sushi-slave.livejournal.com]

...My brain interconnects things in strange ways... maybe I'm off base here, but to me it sounds like what you're saying is that you need to die in order to climax. (Maybe that's why they call it the 'little death'?). I think you should try some very physical play, maybe something with a knife at your throat? It worked for a couple of my ex's.

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

A WORLD OF NO. Two wholly separate subjects, connected only in that they are things I don't talk about much.

[snake-easing.livejournal.com]

That's pretty beautiful. Thanks for telling us about it.

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

Always welcome.