Today smells like Hinoki wood oil and wool and frost.

[flamingsword]

I need to find someone else who is a slow writer to be an accountability buddy and keep me on track for a WIP, but I am not sure who to even ask about that, since everyone else I know who writes go on the long tears of writing and doesn’t write like, 200 words a week.

And I ache right now, so I’m not going to do much about that tonight.

Comments

[ex_flameandsong751]

I mean, 200 words a week is still SOMETHING. If you want me to wave pom-poms at you I will? [But I also understand if that doesn't work for you.]

I wrote a book, sorry

[flamingsword]

I have feels and they’re thorny and problematic? So I’m going to talk around this problem and see if I can figure out why I feel like that wouldn’t work, so that I can see what would.

Just because I have no shame doesn’t mean I’m not insecure about some stuff, you know? Shame can cause insecurity, but it’s not the only source. One of the sources is comparing yourself to others, or feeling like others could compare you and find you less - less worthy of respect, or less worthy of time and affection. And I am used to “proving my worth” and hustling for it by being “the Smart guy™️”, but when something that rubs the wrong way against that comes up, I get as dumb as anyone else about my value in a group or to a person.

Having you, who effectively and seemingly effortlessly outclasses me in this arena, help me do the littlest thing would be like … you taking on a mentor/mentee relationship with, I dunno … the ghost of Terry Pratchett or something. It would be hard to even hear you over the dull background roar of my own insecurity and feelings of unworthiness. I know that a lot of that is probably projection, and that most people don’t care. But I still have this anxiety.

What if you figure out that I’m not that smart? What if I have brain fog or something the rest of this winter and am thick as a brick while you’re trying to help me drag a short story and some porn out of my id? What if it makes you realize that I’m not actually as cool/smart/got my shit together/etc. as I like to make people think I am? What if my failure at being the lest but impressive means you/ other people stop listening to me?

And the worst thing about those fears is that I can’t even dismiss them as being groundless. I’ve had people ditch me for being less than what they expected before. A couple of them were even pretty close to me. 😕

I think I need someone who has similar levels of difficulty but different kinds of troubles with writing, like how my friends and I could help each other with homework, but our parents were either useless at a subject or so good at it that they made us feel useless.

A lot of that’s just me projecting my judginess on other people, though. So I guess that needs to get worked on separately.

Re: I wrote a book, sorry

[ex_flameandsong751]

I understand your insecurities, but I'm not judgy about that sort of thing, if all you can do in a week is 200 words or even 100 words, that's still something! If you can't write at all one week, that happens too! I'm not gonna push it on you because again... I get what having that kind of insecurity is like and I don't think trying to push you past your comfort zones would be helpful here, but I just wanted to give you some reassurance that is actually not something I get judgy about. Especially if you write slower due to brain fog, low spoons, etc. I'm not one of those "I have low spoons and I can still do X Y and Z, why can't you?" but I know from my own experience people CAN be like that so it's an understandable fear. -hugs-