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flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (occupy sesame street)
Since Tumblr now has it's own [occupy] tag, I think maybe we need an LJ comm. But I may be too busy to start one. If anyone else wants to help but can't protest in person, you are welcome to lend your internet-fu to the cause.
On to the Newsmedia links roundup! )
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Dr. Reid)
"Is there any place you know well enough to walk around blindfolded? Someplace that you know the landscape of intimately, the smells and hazards and denizens? That's how well I know self-hatred." -me

I have said before that I perceive my emotional landscape as a literal landscape, that it has geography and space and structure. That it has blind alleys, underwater caves, and the haunted, submerged ruins of the unconscious, full of treasure and danger. But I never told you what that was like because I figured that some other people perceived things in a similar way. A friend pointed out to me this week that he's never heard of that perspective. He just HAS emotions, he knows what they are and they make sense to him; he isn't concerned about where they come from. Never having that instinctive knowledge of myself made me tinker with everything until I had a framework I understood, and what stuff did I really understand? At the time I was good at dream logic, mechanical things, and architecture. So that was how I framed my inner universe. (Yes, the movie Inception does feel achingly familiar to me.)

Everything begins at awareness. It is the single point from which all parts of the self flow and it is the point that flows along all parts of the self. When we think that everything is relative, what we mean is that our attention and awareness are what everything is relative to.

So I'm paying attention to myself, and mapping pathways out in the streets of confusion and subway tubes of anger and space stations of curiosity. I'm laying out my internal life on post-it notes, and when I'm done you'll be able to rummage around in my headspace. Don't I just have the most cheerful projects?
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (city)
The Bad: I spaced out a lot at Flipside, and then again at A-kon. I thought it might have been the heat at Flipside, but A-kon was indoors and mostly air-conditioned. :\ There really are a lot of budgetary concerns for my attention. The more things there are to pay attention to (like 16,000 geeks in one place) the easier it becomes to drop all of it, and I'd forgotten about that. No wonder I was such a space cadet in school.

As far as bad things go, that's not that bad, and the software changes that I'm trying out seem to be functional.

The Good: I got to spend four days with art freaks and then another three days with anime nerds. MY PEOPLE! I LOVE YOU ALL. I have bathed in weirdness and belonging, and my soul feels clean. Clean enough to identify some goals!

The Thinky: Some of these goals require successfully predicting the behavior of large groups of people, figuring out ways to put safety features into social technology, and
The Make Dallas Weird project is going to take about 90 years, I think. I'm going to have to become a political creature in order to make the city ordinances more accepting to the things that attract geeks to a city. And I need a second branch of this plan to transform nerds into geeks so that the ones we have already become visible.

Listing out unfulfilled human emotional needs will help us predict the shape of the future. Basically all the people who've ever been right about what the future had in store went with predicting that humans want emotional fulfillment, convenience, comfort, and fun.

In other news: I am now reading Soulless by Gail Carriger. It's a steampunk Victorian comedy of manners, the kind of book the Anita Blake series could have been if it had an ounce of proper decorum. It is hilarious, and I owe many thanks to [livejournal.com profile] mig_unit for it.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Rosa Parks smile)
1. If you have not yet heard about the county of Sonoma CA separating an elderly gay couple and auctioning off their possessions, then allow me to state that it is legit and documented as well as being blood-boiling.

2. Further people volunteering to be justiced upon: Steven Seagal keeps sex slaves and assaults women. And is a douchebag, but we knew that already.

3. In better news, I am reading Quirky, Yes - Hopeless, No, a book on Asperger's kids and the very VERY most basic social skills, and I rather like the memories that it is bringing up, not because they were particularly nice memories, but because they show me how far I've come since I had no social skills. And some things have occurred to me: up until the six months before my brother died, nobody could have possibly known that I wasn't making eye contact, because they didn't know that I couldn't see people's faces. The glasses happened the summer before he died, and six months isn't all that long to draw a conclusion from. And my family probably assumed that since my dad doesn't look people in the eye much either, then maybe it was a mannerism I picked up from him. And after Larry died nobody held my behavior to any sort of standard other than knowing where I was at all times, which was pretty easy: I was wherever I could hide behind a book the longest.

4. I am putting off THE LIST until I have reinforcements. The fuzzy emotional cavalry are coming in the form of [livejournal.com profile] jslorentz and maybe [livejournal.com profile] kadairk if she's free that day.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
*I was going to do the April Fool's Day post about how Xenoix and I had broken up, and put the 'details' under a cut-tag that only went to the words "Do you know what day it is?" Unfortunately I just don't feel like it. I feel kinda crappy, physically, like sinus-shoggoths are trying to invade my throat. What I wouldn't give for some nice homeopathic Elder Sign extract! . . . See? I just am not funny today, and I don't feel like failing continuously. Meh. :|

*So: in order to come up with some direction and feelings of continued utility and relevance, I've decided to go through old journals for records of my uncompleted goals. And knowing me there will be enough things that I've forgotten about to fill several pages. I'll then winnow them down according to whether they appeal to me currently, see what I've got left over, and post it up here to see if any themes emerge. Y'all might have to help with that bit, I totally won't be able to spot the obvious stuff. If you get the sense that I'm kind of down on myself at the moment, you'd be right. I had to explain the way my memory works to not one but two different co-workers today, and other people's pity is uncomfortable to me. I'm kind of glad that "I meant what I said, even though I may not remember it later" a convo you only have to have with people once.

*I was at the library the other day to find Women From Another Planet which apparently they don't have in any library in Texas (fail!). And when I was up in the psychology section for books on the autism spectrum, I picked up a mis-shelved copy of The Sociopath Next Door and read a bit. And it disturbed me. I'm not gonna lie. [livejournal.com profile] cluegirl says it's a fascinating read, and I believe her, but I'm not entirely sure that people understand sociopaths correctly. Because according to the most fundamental definition, I qualify. I don't feel shame or regret when I've hurt someone. I feel stupid and like a failure, because hurting people is bad for a system which ~hello, I live inside of~ and I hate making bad judgment calls that I will have to fix the repercussions of later so I try to be as nice as is reasonable and practical. I don't feel jealousy, or fear of mortality, or greed in any normal sense, and my expression of a lot of emotions is not what it is for other people. But just because I have fewer and more limited emotions doesn't mean that I want to destroy society or be a serial killer. I would have to also be under several delusions about my impact on the world and in a lot of chronic emotional pain for either of those to occur. I think it's possible that there's another invisible spectrum in human behavior, of the weight and importance of feelings. For some people emotions are this dominant, inexorable force. I have no idea what that's like, so my lack of affect must be just as freaky to them as their paradigm is to me and the sociopaths. :\

*When I was a teen, every day was Opposite Day. I'm an adult now. Can I have just one Apposite Day? That's all I'm asking for.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
Like Sea Foam Up All Night Dancing

Iridescent Amethyst

Crystal To Sparkle

I'm thinking of building a lightbox or messing with the camera settings to fix some of the optical effects. Photography peeps: any suggestions?
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
I am buying new CDR, and you know what that means. MIXTAPES!

Filk for [livejournal.com profile] elucreh, 2 pop-punk mixes for [livejournal.com profile] ultimatebryan, a stirring collection of soundtrack action themes, and the usual mix of weird things that I've found this year. Whoever wants in knows where to put a comment. :)

The Plan

May. 18th, 2009 03:10 pm
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
Now that I've snuggled myself out, caught up with reading the friendslist (@ skip=140, geez you people write a fuckton), made that LOLrockstar, and cooked the boy Molly's Mom's Meatballs, it is time to hammer out the Plan.

The Plan: Make Dallas Cool.

It's a multi-step process, so bear with me.

I. Start group activities that appeal to the neat people we already have, and add fun and value to our network. Give up resource-depleting Starbucks habit to fund initial stages of The Plan.

II. Develop better networking skills to foster connections among the people here and more closely tie them to one another. Give up time-consuming projects like internet addiction to make time for this.

III. Start a campaign of luring cool people away from Houston, Austin, and eventually the rest of the world. Give up on idle plans of moving to a cooler city in favor of making a cooler city.

IV. Get a higher paying job to fund the neat culture that brings people in. This plan requires it. Take fewer day at current job, and explain The Plan to any cranky customers. IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE!

V. Become politically active to mitigate and prevent the negative legal impact of local government ordinances. Ban the suck!

VI. Find others who have similar plans and coordinate with them. Articulate and further develop goals and intermediate steps. Give up habit of either doing everything myself or letting plans drift into other people's hands and then languish.

VII. Have fun and share it around. Make Dallas a better place to be for creative expression, mainstream involvement in counterculture, and personal acceptance.

Future blog posts on this subject to include:
Behavioral modelling of Jenn, Tommy, and other social hubs.
Sharing daydreams of what Dallas could be if we invest in it.
Illustrating the attitude that most creative metropolitans have where they wish they lived in Austin.
Cost/benefit ratios of each decision process within the plan.

last names

Apr. 22nd, 2009 06:53 pm
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)

flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
I just found this, so this poem isn't the reason that I'm going to get a map of the moon tattooed on my back. But it perfectly explains why I've wanted to.

Not The Moon by Margaret Atwood

What idiocy could transform the moon, that old sea-overgrown
skull seen from above, to a goddess of mercy?

You fish for the silver light, there on the quiet lake, so clear to see; you plunge your hands into the water and come up empty. )
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
Technology is empowering, freeing. It offers a sense of agency that has nothing to do with gender or the cultural expectations placed on gender like a throttle to keep our binary gender assignments separated. Welcome to Ada Lovelace Day, where we blog about women in technology.

Now let's break the throttle off. )
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
In the wake of $500 of unexpected car repairs, I may not be going to CMA this spring. So all of the normal head-sorting that's supposed to happen there, the entire reason I started going, will need to be handled by me, outside ritual space. Won't this be fun?

I have come to the conclusion that I need my own personal meta: I can't just have feelings, I need to deconstruct my head so that I can have feelings about my feelings. Not all of this makes sense, but I needed to write it out. )
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
Six of us saw Twilight on Sunday night. It wasn't as bad as I'd hoped it would be. :( The characterization is still hilariously bad, but apparently the screenwriter edited some of the antifeminist attitudes out. That's probably a good thing, and this may be one of those rare times when the movie is better than the book. GLITTERY MONSTERS! How can that level of epic fail not be entertaining? 4SRS.

In the quest for self-knowledge, I have figured out that I have thoughts about things other people have feelings and beliefs about. Feelings for most people are very definite, almost binary. They must rarely take three or four feelings and experience them all together. In fact it's so rare that they have words like 'ambivalent' just to express that they feel more than one way, because apparently that's abnormal. Which I just figured out. :\

Tell me of your feelings, flist. How many do you generally have on x subject? In t amount of time will your feelings change by y amount? Let's graph this out so that I can get a handle on it. Screw XKCD, I will use math to figure this out.
flamingsword: None can take the stars who do not reach. (Take The Stars)
I am not Michael Jackson. I must try to remember this next time I try to do that 'standing en pointe with bent knees' move, because this time I rolled a 1 on the balance check and I'm currently oozing blood from my knee. Sometimes it doesn't matter how gently you take off the bandage, you're going to take some skin with you.

It doesn't hurt much, it's just gross and an embarrassing reminder of dancefloor failure. Days like today I'm glad I have no shame or dignity to get in the way of pulling crazy stunts like that multiple times. Yay for childlike unconcern and good times at clubs.

Also: never order a White Russian at Panoptikon. Doug got me one as a primitive painkiller after the fall, and the bartender's habit of mixing the drinks super strong doesn't do so well on cream-based drinks. When the alcohol content is too high, the fat dissolves completely and there's nothing to keep the protein in suspension; it starts separating out into gummy milk-flavored strands. Eww.


Feb. 19th, 2009 08:20 am
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
So it may take my brain a while to reboot, but editing and sorting and creating things helps, no matter how lame the creations sometimes are. At least my headspace is pleasant again. The most visible symptom of depression for me is apathy, so if you notice me getting less opinionated passionate, please smack me in the head? It's good for me to not be the same personal always, but I miss you guys when I'm gone. I just lack the ambition to fix that until I care again.

Poly dinner is this Friday in Richardson, and I'll be at Panoptikon after. I hope to see you. Bring your dancing shoes.

12 Panic, 6 My Chem, 6 FOB and a Greta for Lu, cut-tagged to spare your flist. )

You know how to get me to make things you'd like to see? ASK.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Dark and Wrong)
I may be addicted to making band demotivators. Help, help?

And there's another icon post coming soon, JSYK. Hidden to save your bandwidth. )
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
So a friend wants to hear happy things, and I have a few of those.

*My subconscious wouldn't be smacking me in the head with the 'time to grow up now' messages if I weren't stable and happy.

*I am attending a steampunk cotillion this evening dressed as an airship pilot. Xenoix will be my helpful automaton errand boy! Cosplay and zaniness! Let us shananigate 'til dawn!

*A friend who lives in Austin is in town this weekend, and I will hopefully be spending time with him. But he is a terrible influence on me, so any ill behavior next week he can take credit for. >:D

*I reall do want to learn to do mash-ups, just so I can take music made by people whose pride needs deflating and mix them up with cartoon theme songs and synth drums. Also, I kind of wish I had done THIS MIX of Christian Bale freaking the fuck out. Pobrecito, his life is so hard!
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Like You Mean It)
So I've made my outfit for the steampunk event Kinetoscope at Panoptikon, and the detail work is drying as I type. What to do for Xenoix's outfit, though? Hmm.

I miss working at LoneStar Comics. Being the girl who could tell you how to fix your green/black deck got points for rarity value, but being a cute girl who could talk to the fanboys in their own language until they looked at me like I was an alien? That just pushed all sorts of happy little buttons for me. Belonging and inclusion are wonderful things, and we freaks don't get enough. I hoped at the time that I was doing some good in the world, but wasn't sure that gender norms and social resistance among geeks could be broken down.

I saw one of my old customers this winter, waved at him from across the crowded restaurant, and he was still weirded out to see me. I wandered over before I left, asked him how his life and hobbies were going, and he actually smiled and said that the guy across from him was part of his gaming group. When I knew him, this particular dude wasn't well known for smiling; I thought he might have something in the autism spectrum. Maybe he was just unhappy all the time, though; it happens. But he remembered me fondly years later, and that's just gratifying. And maybe I did help some of my customers connect to a wider world. I wish I knew for sure. :T

Most of the geeking I do now is for reframing people's paradigms (social hacking is FTW), but I wasn't always this way. I used to be alternately withdrawn and hyperactively friendly. I was a total spaz who lived in stories about heroes, gods, and aliens because I couldn't relate to normal people. I've been feeling uncomfortably mainstream lately, despite the lack of television, and I miss the fringe kids. I miss the loser I used to be.

So the shelf and a half of graphic novels isn't going anywhere, and has started expanding again. I've been thinking maybe it's time I got back to my roots.

So, got any recs?


Jan. 18th, 2009 10:18 am
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Like You Mean It)
So I was listening to the radio the other day (go me, swimming in the mainstream!) and singing along to some of the stuff I recognized, and I noticed that I can now hit one of the notes that I thought I'd lost. I now only have a 2-note break in the middle of my range, and the tonal difference between head voice and chest voice is getting more flexible again.

I will have it back. I WILL, I WILL, I WILL!


flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)

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