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flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
My body is defective. It's nowhere near that time of the month and I am turning into a ball of pain.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (WTF -Sally)
A month before Christmas, when I decided on Teh Sekrit Projekt of making an anime music video for Ghost for Christmas, I basically knew the barest essentials of how that worked and assumed that it would take a few weeks to learn how and make the first one (which would suck, as first attempts do) and that it would take me less time to do each successive one. By Christmas I would have three AMV's and one of them would likely not suck and be his present. In theory. That was the plan.

In reality, I had no clue how much there was to learn, how steep the learning curve was, or that my previous experience of visual editing programs like Paintshop and Photoshop would offer little framework on which to pin new data. I had no real understanding of the digital formats or the programs used to decode and manipulate them. I gave myself headaches trying to learn it all by Christmas, and still failed. I'm still only mostly through with learning how, and about to start transcoding to a lossless codec, which is step 8 in a 19 step process. And I'm still on my first video-making journey.

I realize that it's arrogant, but it's messing with my self image that this is so hard to learn. I'm used to being good at things! I'm used to data just slotting into place in my brain and staying put, but so much of the technical language is in acronyms that, I kid you not, are *one letter different* from other acronyms that mean opposite or tangentially related things, and the structure of the information is built to do a lot of separate tasks (in separate programs, each of which you have to learn to use) that do not mesh in any organic or intuitive way. Not only did I underestimate the investment necessary for this project, I erred by an order of magnitude.

Now that I understand the basics, the rest is fine-tuning and fiddling with the programs until I get proficient. I think that because of my decent visual memory and access to several large music collections, that actually making the vids will be the pleasant sort of challenge, but right now the "I'm good at stuff"/"I suck at this" cognitive dissonance is driving me up the wall, and I'm trying not to snap at people now that so much of my patience is being used up on non-people things. So much of my ability to process feelings is going towards fending off the unbalanced emotional reaction I'm having to this frustration that I'm spending as much time goofing off and avoiding reading the fucking manual as I am reading it and following its instruction in the programs.

It feels like a threat to my identity, and in all fairness that probably means that my identity needs challenging. But it's a good thing I'm good at being uncomfortable, because this is crazy-making.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Dr. Reid)
Somewhere in the long list of things I'm deeply ambivalent about is how fear doesn't feel like it used to. I remember being afraid as having a physical component that it just doesn't now, and I don't know when that changed. I have memories of fear being consuming, blocking out every other kind of thought. That was annoying, and I'm glad it didn't stay that way, but it would be nice if I had a choice about whether or not to feel fear, since I would sometime do so just to keep in contact with it. I like variety, and I need to understand.

I'm sorry that makes it hard for me to not fidget and ask questions during horror films, even knowing that it's annoying to you. I wish I could experience the things you enjoy from a place where I derived something from them, and I would if I could. But I have all this distance; at all times there's a counterweight of backlogged emotions and I don't know how to keep that separate from the rest of what I do.

The only ways I know of to turn off the parts of my brain that point out inconsistencies are dancing, sex, sleep, really well written books and some rare pieces of music and art. And those experiences turn everything off. They're not reflective. If it were as easy to get that empty feeling as watching a horror movie, I would do that ALL THE TIME, but it doesn't work. I don't work that way. I've tried to acquire tastes for things and sometimes it works, but this time it didn't and you get to be disappointed that I don't enjoy something you love, and I get to feel like an outsider again.

I'm tired of that feeling. Exclusion is painful and after a while pain is boring.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Life is Goofy.)
I have very little that is interesting to share, since most of the theater of crazy people that is my mind has been occupied with getting stuff done. It sucks a bit more than usual lately.

* Most of the folks I know have had either major surgeries, employment snafus, relationship troubles, financial troubles or crises of conscience this summer. I agree with Nyyki: it's an uncertain time. Some of my RL friends are putting the relay in relationship. I have worry.

* On 14th September I start moving across the street to an apartment I will be sharing with [livejournal.com profile] numb3r_5ev3n. The House of Wheatless Fangirls will be lametastic and more fun than kittens, or so I hope.

* Work needs more people for weekday evenings, so I'm thinking of rearranging some stuff to see if that's feasible.

* Yes, Inception was that awesome. But I don't want to talk about it except to say that it is perfect and I had never before seen a movie with no plot holes. Also that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a seriously GQ motherfucker.

* I am watching a lot of television shows: Whitest Kids U Know, an anime called Claymore, The Wire. The Wire is complicated and intense and true. Why did it not win a dozen awards? I do not understand television and people's relationships with it as well as I think I do, obviously.

* I'm learning vidding, wire sculpting, and possibly creating a new medium of energy-saving window treatments. I may be making most of this year's Yule gifts.

* The Xenoix has been on vacation this week and not answering his phone or text messages. There will be many things to discuss on Monday.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (city)
This weekend we moved Wizardpen and Aingeal1, after which I was sunburned and a bit sore. So I decided to go to a party to celebrate! WTF is wrong with me? Why do I agree to things just because people ask? Argh.

I have a massive headache currently. I've been collecting thoughts for a longer post, and I was going to post that. Instead you get this because my brain is not in working order. Stupid sinuses. I'm waiting for the boy to show up and feed me raw fish. Wish us luck.

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