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flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
So Ghost and I don't argue. I mean - we may debate the ethicality of vampire genocide in the True Blood universe and other geekery, but we don't have relationship arguments. We have yet to have a problem more pressing than which configuration of locked or unlocked means that the dishes in the dishwasher are clean. I don't . . . this NEVER HAPPENS. I realize that there is some BS about not looking gift horses in the mouth, but I am looking into this equine grin and it seems to have a platinum grill.

I DON'T GET IT.

I look back to previous relationships and they were not like this and I have no context and so don't even know where to start identifying whether this is even a problem. HELP!!!
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (WTF -Sally)
A month before Christmas, when I decided on Teh Sekrit Projekt of making an anime music video for Ghost for Christmas, I basically knew the barest essentials of how that worked and assumed that it would take a few weeks to learn how and make the first one (which would suck, as first attempts do) and that it would take me less time to do each successive one. By Christmas I would have three AMV's and one of them would likely not suck and be his present. In theory. That was the plan.

In reality, I had no clue how much there was to learn, how steep the learning curve was, or that my previous experience of visual editing programs like Paintshop and Photoshop would offer little framework on which to pin new data. I had no real understanding of the digital formats or the programs used to decode and manipulate them. I gave myself headaches trying to learn it all by Christmas, and still failed. I'm still only mostly through with learning how, and about to start transcoding to a lossless codec, which is step 8 in a 19 step process. And I'm still on my first video-making journey.

I realize that it's arrogant, but it's messing with my self image that this is so hard to learn. I'm used to being good at things! I'm used to data just slotting into place in my brain and staying put, but so much of the technical language is in acronyms that, I kid you not, are *one letter different* from other acronyms that mean opposite or tangentially related things, and the structure of the information is built to do a lot of separate tasks (in separate programs, each of which you have to learn to use) that do not mesh in any organic or intuitive way. Not only did I underestimate the investment necessary for this project, I erred by an order of magnitude.

Now that I understand the basics, the rest is fine-tuning and fiddling with the programs until I get proficient. I think that because of my decent visual memory and access to several large music collections, that actually making the vids will be the pleasant sort of challenge, but right now the "I'm good at stuff"/"I suck at this" cognitive dissonance is driving me up the wall, and I'm trying not to snap at people now that so much of my patience is being used up on non-people things. So much of my ability to process feelings is going towards fending off the unbalanced emotional reaction I'm having to this frustration that I'm spending as much time goofing off and avoiding reading the fucking manual as I am reading it and following its instruction in the programs.

It feels like a threat to my identity, and in all fairness that probably means that my identity needs challenging. But it's a good thing I'm good at being uncomfortable, because this is crazy-making.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (rip off your logic)
Despite the fact that I am moving and mostly broke, I will end this month with less than $1,000 of debt.

Even when relationships get their most difficult, as long as there is communication there is hope.

Not everyone is going to tip well. Even people who look and act like they can afford it - it may be an act. Even when you put a lot of focus and effort into your work - they may not be paying attention. Even when you feel like you have done a spectacular job - they may just tip a miserly amount. That is their issue, and they get to keep that.

The physical world breaks down sometimes. It tends to need repair. That is not your doing, or your fault.

Breathe.
flamingsword: None can take the stars who do not reach. (Take The Stars)
This week is like being 14.
Migraine out of fucking nowhere? Wait- that's not true. I totally should have been expecting this. If gluten can be a hidden migraine trigger, and as much as I was looking forward to never having another migraine now that I'd gone gluten-free, in hindsight it makes perfect sense that gluten exposure would have migraine as a sequela. My bad. Somewhere I had the note to myself to never leave the house without medicine for migraines should one occur, but my vigilance this week is dependent on the amount of concentration I can muster, which is not much. I'll put up reminder post-its on the door after I post this entry.

My week, ladies and gentlemen: )
flamingsword: None can take the stars who do not reach. (Take The Stars)
... wherein I have bruised my shins on the hidden coffee table that is my judgments about myself.

The black body behavior of my emotions and desires seems to be that I can only tell what's going on when the system is in a high stress/high energy state. Since under normal circumstances I have no clear vision of my wants or feelings, I have to repeatedly subject myself to periods of high excitation in order to keep any kind of self-knowledge going on. I feel like I need to do drugs again. :(

To create new goals and stress-test my system, I've been working on THE LIST by reading whatt I wrote down in last year's day-planner + notebook + yellow legal pad that went along with the end of last year. It's fucking with my head. The number of things I forget in a month's time is appalling to me for a number of reasons. Let me enumerate them. )

I base a lot of my feelings of value in my use of my mind. This is terrifying to me.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Like You Mean It)
If you do not wish to hear the tale of stress and ZOMG CAPSLOCK WOE, you do not have to click here )

That is what I have been doing instead of commenting y'all's posts. Things will calm down by the fifteenth, and I promise not to kill anybody or shake people 'til they make sense. But right now I'm a bit on edge.

love match

Jan. 11th, 2010 06:51 pm
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Dark and Wrong)
Fox News loves it's new commentator, Sarah Palin.

"I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News," Palin said in a statement posted on the network's Web site. "It's wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news."

With values in tandem and equal commitment to accuracy, they're perfect for each other.

OH DEAR GOD SOMEONE TELL ME I'M HALLUCINATING, PLEASE.
flamingsword: None can take the stars who do not reach. (Take The Stars)
I saw Half Blood Prince again today, and GLEE for the 4th time. In my life I've seen Titanic 4 times, AKIRA 5, Moulin Rouge 6, and Romeo + Juliet 14 times, and Dune so many times the cassette tape wore out. Who else does this? Do you have any insight as to why we do it? Or is it purely the enjoyment factor of the familiar?

In other news, according to Xenoix, I've never talked about being in therapy . . . which I don't actually believe, because when do I not talk? But it's vaguely possible, and I'm pretty sure I've only mentioned it here in passing. Behind the cut tag will be a massive entry on my being a headcase and the first bit of how I got better. )
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Like You Mean It)
I really hope that this guy has it right. It's going to be annoying having to boycott Amazon if they really are censoring GLBTQ books.

*headache face*
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
My brain does this thing when there are deep, important conversations that I'd rather avoid having with myself, where it distracts me with cool things that will keep me busy in contemplation for a while. I'm getting better at just noting them down for later and moving on to the more important stuff.

# People like me aren't dangerous because we're bad, we're dangerous because we defy classification. There can be no such thing as informed consent when dealing with the unquantifiable. That's why people are afraid of the unknown. It's a consent issue.

# We don't get to choose what we mean to other people, and what people mean to us is not what they are, no matter how much they mean to us. It's the first time I've been able to articulate that, but I've held the belief for a long time. Now I can back-figure for the reactions of people who don't believe that, and have a more accurate view of them.

# My spiritual practice involves dirt. I don't know how I keep forgetting that being in dirt and fixing my garden reconnects me to myself, but there it is.

# I realized that broadening my experiences would give me more, quantitatively, in common with other people, but that was after I was already doing it. I think I started because I was frustrated with what I would eventually learn to call re-contexting. I saw the same facts other people had, but I knew I didn't see them in the same way, and I was tired of being confused at the difference.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
Six of us saw Twilight on Sunday night. It wasn't as bad as I'd hoped it would be. :( The characterization is still hilariously bad, but apparently the screenwriter edited some of the antifeminist attitudes out. That's probably a good thing, and this may be one of those rare times when the movie is better than the book. GLITTERY MONSTERS! How can that level of epic fail not be entertaining? 4SRS.

In the quest for self-knowledge, I have figured out that I have thoughts about things other people have feelings and beliefs about. Feelings for most people are very definite, almost binary. They must rarely take three or four feelings and experience them all together. In fact it's so rare that they have words like 'ambivalent' just to express that they feel more than one way, because apparently that's abnormal. Which I just figured out. :\

Tell me of your feelings, flist. How many do you generally have on x subject? In t amount of time will your feelings change by y amount? Let's graph this out so that I can get a handle on it. Screw XKCD, I will use math to figure this out.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
And let me just say that professional jealousy is weird. I'm proud of myself for figuring it out, and for triaging it for future fixing, but until the economy picks back up, some of my coworkers aren't going to be doing as well as they had been, and most of my regulars are pain clients, they're not going anywhere. There's a little less friendly tolerance of me than there was before Thanksgiving, a little less warmth to the breakroom conversations, more odd looks. No, I haven't pissed anyone off, and even if I did, the two other people who are still booked wouldn't be getting similar treatment. >:[

It's very human to feel threatened by someone who has the things that you want, but it's not a part of humanity I can share in. So I just get to be uncomfortable in a new way for a bit.

Whatever.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Fuck The System)
Danforth Quayle is not a bad guy, but I blame him for so much. In showing the world that men of little eloquence can hold high American office, he set a dangerous precedent. He enabled future generations of the garbled to achieve dreams they should never achieve, namely the presidency of George W. Bush.

In an age where the words of our highest representative can be seen and judged by the world within minutes of their utterance, Quayle's words took on a higher signifigance. If it is not our words that define us in the minds of all nations, then by which of our actions will we be judged? By our wars - for surely they are the loudest of our actions.

Some people wonder how important a skill public speaking is anyway. Why does a president need to say intelligent things all the time? Because in a representative democracy, our leaders are not supposed to represent the average guy off the street. They are meant to represent the best of what America has to offer her people. Surely we can do better than Quayle and Bush.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
Sorry I haven't been online and keeping up with the flist. I've been catching up with a few long-lost friends and doing upkeep things in the real world. But fear not: my LiveJournal obsession is alive and healthy.
To save having to have this conversation with several people, I'm just putting it here. It's kind of embarrassing, but it needs doing. Questions are welcomed, but for once I am going to give the touchy-subject warning. For serious: no teasing me about this, or I will be interesting to you. In the Chinese fashion.
I have brain damage, but I don't talk about it much. )
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Sunshower)
Starting from the simple stuff and proceeding into the land of the padded walls:

Be Lazy

  • Don't get to know yourself. Hinder yourself with ignorance.
  • Invest no effort into complying with your principles. Avoid self-respect.
  • Don't think about how you can improve your habits. Fail to improve yourself. Don't grow or take pride in your own growth.
  • Make no contingency plans. Feel that if one thing goes wrong it was meant to, to screw up the rest of your day. Feel judged by higher powers. Don't recover smoothly.
  • Listen to your insecurities, instead of fighting them. Discover more fears. Feel like a coward.
  • Brood. Dwell on things and make them important instead of getting on with what you're doing.
  • Don't pay attention.

Maintain Your Illusions

  • Listen to gossip. Believe what you're told without checking facts at the source.
  • Feel betrayed by the truth when your illusions break down and you are forced to deal with things as they are.
  • Ignore the differences between things. Treat things all the same so that you get different results each time you come into contact with them and confuse yourself. It will make your bad mood easier to maintain to have something negative to fixate on.
  • Compare yourself to people you're not like. Comparing unlike things is designed to separate you from what's real, and using an unrealistic standard to hold yourself to will keep you too busy to question the inconsistencies of your context.
  • Ignore your weaknesses so that you get unexpectedly beaten at things you thought you were good at. Then berate yourself for your failure.
  • Don't listen to yourself to see if you're making sense. Find ways to justify your reasoning that don't apply to logic.
  • Submarine your self-image by not trusting in your abilities. Get used to the paralysis of uncertainty instead of ability to reach for what you want.

Focus On The Negative

  • Expect it to be about you whenever something goes wrong.
  • Use high-contrast "weighted" adjectives when thinking about your life to increase drama.
  • "Qualify" your joys. Don't take the good with the bad. Think that if something were really good, it wouldn't have a downside.
  • Think of the good things that happen to you as deviations from the norm. Then take them off the bell curve of your expectations entirely. Skew your statistical universe.
  • Focus on what's missing rather than on the things you have.
  • Hold your friends to an unrealistic standard so that you can dwell on their shortcomings.
  • Accept that any backsliding you do negates all efforts you put into crawling out of the depression you've now made.

Betray Yourself

  • Teach yourself not to want things. Have no goals. Give up hope.
  • Make time to do things that are bad for you physically, and can lead to health problems. Pain and illness will help your rough patch stand firm in the face of overwhelming joys.
  • Use self-fulfilling negative prophecies to prove to yourself that your self-hatred is reasonable.
  • Push away people who care about you.
  • Ask people for good advice. Don't take the advice, then beat yourself up for not taking it.





Advanced Rectal Haberdashery

  • Re-prioritize meeting the needs that you can get met now 'til after the needs that you can't get met until later.
  • Invest effort and frustration into impossible schemes trying to make those needs get met now.
  • Distract yourself from your need to fix your problems with drugs. Use people-related drama, religion, or illegal narcotics to keep your mind occupied and off-balance.
  • Deny responsibility or ability to fix your problems. Cripple yourself with despair.
  • Hurt other people so you can feel ashamed and horrible.
  • Be angry with your friends for interfering in your unhappiness. They're on your side, but you're not on your side, and that means they're against you.


Some people have medical reasons for being depressed. I am SO aware of that, hello. Even so, I dare you to say you've never done any of this to yourself. Or comment me with ways I've missed, and we'll add them to the master list. Because this is just the ways that my friends, family and I have messed ourselves up, and I'm sure there are creative ways to self-destruct that we've missed.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Movement)
I've been in three wrecks wherein the car was totalled (or should have been) and I've never been hurt. Everyone I know has some similar story of something that inexplicable doesn't go wrong for them- 'luck' you might call it. Because we are different, the world doesn't work the same way for any of us. Because of the differences in experience and essence, no two people understand the world in the same way. We all speak from our own vantage on the world, and so we all speak a subtly different language.

When you and I are talking you're speaking in your language and I'm hearing it in mine. And there are . . . translation gaps. Some of what you're saying I get, and some of it I think I get and it's not quite accurate, and some of it I'm not going to understand at all. But it's easy to forget that the two languages aren't the same. It's easy to think I know what you're talking about, until there's some obvious misunderstanding. And then we can feel the distance between us, and even though the distance has been there all along it still leads to frustration.

Now some have a take on this that says that if we try to all have the same experiences and live as alike as possible that maybe we'll understand each other better. Maybe if we aren't unique we won't feel so alone. And this is a beautiful wish. But like a lot of pretty wishes it's neither possible to live within a mold nor would it make us any more able to reach one another. Part of what makes us want to reach out to other people is that difference. Getting to know someone is always an adventure. If we're alike then we know each other aready, even having never met. And then what you have is interpersonal apathy. Where's the fun?

So you are stuck between two fallacies, whenever you communicate with someone: thinking that you understand, and thinking that you want to understand. And despite the impossibility of the situation, we all keep trying because even though it sucks when things get screwed up it's fun trying, and it's beautiful when you do manage those rare glimpses of the world through the eyes of another. So you have to challenge a lot of assumptions, and put a lot of effort into understanding the differences. And sometimes you have to have faith, make the leap, and trust your intuition that says that the gap isn't as big and scary as it looks. You have to recognize that change is taking place all the time, and that there's no way to account for it, because all true growth is a leap in the dark.

And still we talk, make friends, influence the world, change our minds, rearrange all the pieces of the puzzle. And it's confusing, but it's our nature. And when we come to terms with it, there's a sort of peace there, knowing that you haven't been duped, that everyone isn't doing it on purposes, that you're only as confused as everyone else. There's no conspiracy, no plan to keep you in the dark, it's just how things are. Things have always been this difficult, wars have always been fought for reasons of this same miscommunication, human interaction has always been precariously balanced, always been a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that wasn't there.



And then you look around with eyes of wonder, that you're here at all. And sometimes you find the cat anyway.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
Hey, Mac. Sorry about being so moody, but I was so sure they were going to call. I did well at both interviews, and I have good availability. I'm nice, I have clients I'm bringing with me, why haven't they called me and said I have the job? Because I haven't passed the state boards? I told them that wouldn't be a problem, and it won't. Because I don't have RMT accident insurance? I can get that.

They WILL call. See, Mac? This is me believing in myself. Because I know I'm good at this. And I'm confident that now that I'm ready, a good employer will show up and we'll click, and together we'll work our asses off happily ever after.

Enough about me. I feel like furniture today. Let's focus on things outside the immediate self. family stuff . . . )

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