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flamingsword: Tiny!Steve captioned Bad Body Day (Bad Body Day)
I keep getting more kudos on my fics. I have this slow but steady trickle of people reading and liking the things I wrote, and I am full of warm fuzzies about that. If you are one of the people who liked or commented on my fic, thank you so much. It means a lot to me. :D

In my effort to avoid living in my body right now I am trying to plot out the Agender!Cap fic where Natasha is better than everyone. Do I rely too much on Natasha being better than everyone? I don't care. But this story and it's follow up are going to need a lot of research and carefully sorting through the feelings of a lot of different people to find the reactions that are going to be useful to my narrative, so I am planning on watching some Marvel movies I haven't seen yet, like Ant-Man, and rewatching CA:CW.

I need to do my 12 continuing education hours before the end of June, and it would probably be best to do those this weekend. I am having trouble deciding how to finish a hat I am working on crocheting, the homeless friend is still living in my car and we need to find him a better place before he gets heatstroke, and I am working on making some bracelets for my sister and for people's xmas presents. That is what is going on with me currently. Ghost's brother is in the hospital right now for depression and dehydration and my sister-in-law is having a rough time dealing with the stress at the end of the school year. Ghost is worried and falling back on bad habits to deal with it, and his parents are coming into town pretty often to help deal with paperwork and hospitals. But hopefully everything starts looking up soon, with the new treatments.

My roommate narrowly avoided some financial trouble, but may not be able to attend their art commune event this weekend because of car trouble. I am getting ready for them to move this summer, trying to remember what belongs to who, what can be given to them if they need it (book cases) what I need to keep (kitchen rug) and that sort of thing. I want everything to go smoothly, but that only seems to happen with over-planning and aggressive preparation. So that's what I'm gonna do.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
Since the gabapentin I don't hurt as much as I used to. My bad body days are at a 2.5 on the five scale for functionality and a 3.5 on the ten scale for pain. I don't have days where it is impossible to work, just where it is harder than normal to do so, so mostly I don't take pain days off anymore. I had a bursitis flare for the first time in over a year in March, so maybe they're not gone, but they don't come back often. The PQQ is what has helped the most for the energy, so if you know anybody with fibromyalgia, pass that one along.

I have settled into #resistbot, post cards, and email as ways to contact my representatives that don't set off my anxiety. I go to some protests, and I joined an activist group on facebook to help exchange ideas and information and coordinate actions. So I am doing well on the activism front. I have not done as well on rebuilding my social ties, but I am a bit tied up in making sure that one of my depressed friends has a place to live and doesn't hurt himself.

I've been making CDs for people to feel younger to and slow the decline into senility, and that's going well. I wrote two poems so far this year. I am about to sign up for the continuing education hours that I need before June ends, and maybe outline some scenes to write for the Bucky&Natasha bro-fic that will precede the agender!Cap fic which I have a feeling is going to turn into a sprawling epic. Well, sprawling by my standards which probably means 40k words. So my to do list looks like:

  • Get CEU hours, probably in a deep tissue modality
  • Renew my ABMP membership
  • Write stories so that my brain stops pointing out things I could use in my stories
  • Make chakra bracelet for my sister
  • Go back to the Japanese dollar store for weird snacks
  • Get blood work done to make sure my antipsychs aren't doing bad stuff to my kidneys
  • Go to gynecologist and confirm menopause
  • Eventually go to dentist.
  • flamingsword: Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not. (Seuss Activism)
  • Had my favorite client at work today, heard about a style of art called primitivism. Will research.

  • Started my study into humor and laughter. Will begin writing me-flavored political humor soon.

  • Got package ready to send to [profile] wv_wildchild to send tomorrow for her much belated birthday.

  • Sent myself links so that I don't have a million tabs open.

  • Need to figure out a time to call senators, etc. that does not wear me out so badly.
  • flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    Today I am going with Ghost to the Dallas Museum of Art, since I have not been in a couple of years and my last trip was made less enjoyable by the lowering cloud of inability to appreciate bright colors and by having fewer spoons than normal but not knowing how to plan for that.

    Update: We went to the DMA and they MOVED MY PAINTING. The Seine at Lavacourt by Monet is no longer where it used to be. And that was my favorite painting there! *whines*

    Still, we had a good time, even if I did get cold and had to go home a good bit earlier than planned.
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    I got the relationship talk scene done! w00t! Everybody says what they need to say and has a (hopefully believable) emotional reaction to each other.

    My friend S in Seattle is going to send me smellgoods.

    Ghost and [personal profile] numb3r_5ev3n are getting along better after the roommate discussion about sharing spaces. Also the living room detritus is getting put away more regularly which makes me feel better.

    I am getting laundry done. I may have solved the getting cold at work crisis. I have a birthday money check to deposit tomorrow. Yay, money!
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    Thor: The Dark World Sunday, November 10th, 2013

    Grand Budapest Hotel Friday, May 2nd, 2014

    Avengers: Age of Ultron Saturday June 6th, 2015

    Star Wars: The Force Awakens Monday December 28th, 2015

    Keanu Sunday, May 1st, 2016

    Captain America: Civil War Saturday May 14th, 2016

    These were all the movies I saw in the theater from the first one where I drugged myself three different ways on headache meds and anti-nausea/anti-motion sickness meds and still couldn't make it through the movie without getting overwhelmed and headachey. And now I am finally on meds that work right and can see films without anything more than a normal person level of having to look away if there's shaky camera work in a scene. At least, I am pretty sure that's normal and you are hereby instructed to let me keep this harmless illusion.

    So next time my health does something awful and I'm getting cozy with despair, I will remind myself of this; that things get better too. My life does not always move from bad to worse, sometimes it swings back up into gladness and melts my field full of sorrow.

    May it happen for you, too.
    flamingsword: Tiny!Steve captioned Bad Body Day (Bad Body Day)
    My period is five days late and I have no idea why. Yesterday was a bad body day, but I still went in to work on one client, because my bad days are now a 3-3.5 on the functionality scale and not a 4. I have been having more depressive thoughts last week and the beginning of this week, but strangely that looks to be getting better despite the pain day.

    I may go find a shady spot to sit in outside and knit for a while.
    flamingsword: Heidi's face with the agender color bar (Agender)
    I took my first Gabapentin last night, and due to my chemical sensitivity it apparently started working within hours. And during the sudden release from worry and awfulness that the last few days have been I had the thought: "Is this what being neurotypical is like?"

    Normally I feel like I have to have make things a very specific way to be able to relax. All of the necessities have to be taken care of and all of the difficult-to-deal-with things that could happen have to be planned ahead for before I can let myself stop overthinking and just enjoy stuff. Not having to be on guard like that last night was awesome. Not having a sparking cattle prod in my head every time I didn’t know something, although I was still curious, was so much less irritating, and I had never realized how irritating that was until it was gone. Not having that “everything is hard” feeling for every action you even think about was so much less fraught that I may have cried a small amount in relief and gratitude. I was overwhelmed at how much this could potentially change my experience of my life.

    Last night I felt like everything was going to be okay, and I'd never had that feeling without working incredibly hard for it. This morning I still feel like things aren't as perilous, and I am still more relaxed than the last few days. I slept well, and I am hopeful about what it's going to be like when I am fully adjusted to the meds. Gabapentin has a low side effect profile, so I'll probably be able to stay on it. I think I can maybe handle my life if I don't always have to feel the crushing weight.

    I kind of want to start distributing this stuff to everyone I know? If it worked like this for even one of my friends I would be overjoyed. I want to share this with everyone whose lives are shaped like mine. I thought my anxiety had gotten better, but really I guess the answer was partly that it had gotten better and partly that my ability to manage it had gotten better. Because you don't realize what the water you're in is like until you're in the air. There's nothing to contrast it to.
    flamingsword: Tiny!Steve captioned Bad Body Day (Bad Body Day)
    So yesterday a little patch on the side of the knuckle of my right ring finger started detecting all sensations as pain. It's called allodynia. It doesn't go away with the tramadol. I can work through it, though, because putting pressure on the front of the knuckle doesn't set it off, just touching the side.

    I'm hoping this is temporary, but I'm giving myself a few days to get used to this before I check the posting boards. I want to be as mentally prepared to deal with the bad news as I can be before I have to potentially hear it.

    EDIT TO ADD: As of 10/19/2015 the painful sensation when the skin is stroked over has gradually gone down over the last 24 hours and may be going to go away entirely, one hopes?
    *crosses all the fingers*

    EDIT TO ADD: As of 10/21/15 the pain went away entirely. *is relieved*
    flamingsword: that flighty temptress, adventure (flighty temptress adventure)
    So Saturday I went to IKEA with [profile] otatma and K- and Ghost. It was an expedition into the wilds of Frisco, where we procured pink-flavored cake, and weird Yule Drink, and vegetarian meatballs, (which are good, but they really need to roast the side of veggies instead of boiling them). We purchased plates, bowls, cups and more tea balls for the apartment we're about to move into. K- got a stuffed puppy and some household items as well. I didn't have quite as much energy as I thought I had, because I was fighting off the throat infection that appeared later that evening, post-nap.

    Something that [profile] otatma said to me in the car on the way there is floating around the back of my brain, and pinging every time I come across the desire to be musical or appreciate music. I really do come from a musical family, on Dad's side of things. My grandmother was a champion yodeler, and most of that family have been in the church choir at varying points. Even my dad, who barely talks, will hum when he's in a good mood. It's actually one of the few ways you can really tell what his moods are; his face is not particularly expressive. Everyone on that side will have a radio on quietly in the background, or will hum tunes, or will sing when they're happy. I sing when I'm happy.

    Sunday I worked and then went to the pond behind the library and married T- and Z- to each other in a small, happy ceremony. There was pizza and celebrating at their house after, where I met Z's brother and his fiance, and T's bestie whom I had met before, but briefly. (Note to self: buy Cards Against Humanity for them for Xmas) I also have new plans to help educate some people. YAY Continuing Education Society!
    flamingsword: Harry and Ron talking about porn. (PORN)
    Today I had weird sensory issues again, and wasn't as sleepy, but I have been sleeping more than ten hours and being hella sleepy even when awake lately. It's getting annoying and worrisome.

    I am rereading the Stealing Harry series on AO3 because I require comfort fic in these dark times, and Sandust Books and Snake and the River House and the Tonkses are like tea for my soul. Also, occasional lovely Remus/Sirius in the story to make the sweetness even sweeter.

    I have pulled some old icons out of storage, and dusted them off. I have given away some old books and sheets today. I am trying to work up the gumption to start packing and knitting socks again. I'm not quite there yet, though. I hate moving.
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    I have some friends who think that since I'm really stable and don't get depressed often, that I must not get depressive thoughts often, which ... would be nice, if it were true? So now you guys get to look inside my head at what happens on a bad day. Superbetter has a Quest challenge to name five negative thoughts that occurred to you recently, and to dispute them using three specific tools. So this is stuff that happened during yesterdays' low patch.

    I. Ghost should just leave me because I'm a resource drain.
    II. I am going to get progressively worse, and then die.
    III. I should give away my art supplies because I will never have the energy to use half of it.
    IV. I should break up with [profile] otatma. It's not fair to expect him to wait around for me to have time for him where I feel like having a boyfriend.
    V. Maybe I should just get rid of all my friends and possessions and go live in my mother's guestroom*.

    Look at all likely causes for an event that's challenging you.
    I. and IV. are caused by me taking other people's decisions away from them so that I can feel secure in being forever alone and not have to worry about losing other people's love by being unhealthy/unworthy. It's my need for certainty winning out over my need for happiness, because when I hurt, happiness is a foreign concept from some other continent where they speak funny sounding languages and wear bones in their hair.

    Write down your thoughts, citing evidence both for and against your thought or reaction being accurate.
    II. could happen, but since medical science tends to get better and not worse and my disease hits rich people as well as poor, it is getting well funded research. I could suddenly start progressing faster, but that is unlikely, and I am already taking steps to slow down the decline in my health.

    Are the results all that bad? Am I blowing this out of proportion? How can I get what I want in a different way?
    III. and V. Every time I'm about to move house I start thinking about giving things away. It makes people think I'm suicidal maybe, but there's nothing wrong with giving things away as long as I'm happy to do so. I am making too big a deal out of the move and out of the amount of possessions I own, since several people have offered to help move us, and were quite sincere. And I am being fatalistic about moving in with my mother because I am in pain and I automatically start disaster planning for worst case scenarios, and that is currently it.

    (*and be miserable forever.)
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    Today I eventually got up and painted, even though waking up was hard to do. I startled hard out of sleep when the door shut, and couldn't get back down, so that always leaves me a little cranky, but it got overcome today. Woo.

    I got the mori kei clothes mostly given to Katie, who looks adorable in them as expected, and I will try the others on Shaina before I send them off to Sairah.

    I have made plans to meet up, read, and smell things in the future.

    I coordinated with people today and got things done. According to the self-care app I use, I am supposed to attribute these successes to choices and actions I make rather than to things that are out of my control, but I don't feel that that would be intellectually honest or entirely accurate when I am only in control of 40-50% of the factors that govern my energy and motivation. I do well with what I have, and part of that doing well, is having clear sight about my locus of control. :/
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    There are a lot of me in my head, all of the different pieces that make up the larger Heidi network, and they comminucate with each other. Some of them talk in words, and some in pictures, and some in sensory feelings, and some in emotional feelings, and some in triggered memory comparisons. There may be other ways that they talk but I should probably start to keep track of who talks in which language before I am going to be able to figure out more nuances of this.

    Fixing Mechanical Things!Heidi talks in visual/spatial language and animated .gif segments to show working parts.

    Linguistic!Heidi, Hyper-rational!Heidi, and Careful Negotiator!Heidi all talk verbally; Pun!Heidi, Analyzing!Heidi and Literate!Heidi mostly talk in printed words.

    Feelings! Heidi talks in body-feelings and emotion-feelings (which are similar to body-feelings?). Hard to describe. Decision!Heidi talks in body-feelings and proportions.

    Math!Heidi talks in proportions, visual/spatial, and body-feelings.

    In other news, I stayed home today because I got maybe 3 1/2 hrs of bad sleep and I feel alternately fragile and then hate everything, then like feelings are not a thing that exists, and then drifty and in pain and and clumsy. It's like being in high school all over again.
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    My once-forgotten dreams are getting memorable again. Beautiful and haunting. It's part of why I've been feeling the urge to write, to verbalize myself, talk into the void in the hopes that the truth comes spilling from my mouth like Athena from the head of Zeus. I need to start recording them and sifting through them for the patterns again to see what I'm trying to tell myself.

    July 22nd I dreamt that Erin was my mother, and she was knocking at the front door, so I got out of bed to let her in. And when I opened the front door I realized that I was actually awake and at the open front door and had gotten out of bed in some sort of hynogogic state. At least I fell back asleep after? And I'm noticing a weird pattern of twos in the dates of the memorable dreams.

    July 2nd I had a long magical realism dream of traveling through the faerie markets with a group of friends. We kept losing our map, and being really hungry because you can't eat in faerie even though everything smells good, and buying things like candles in stores for ornaments for holidays that didn't exist anymore, or maybe didn't exist yet? Blue bought a new name off an old friend he met out there.

    June 22nd I have the strangest dreams when I’m in pain in my sleep. Magical realism. I was a boy in love with one of the drowning Fae, and my school took a trip I didn't want to go on to a museum of history and art and magic, and I climbed into one of the displays and found a bottle of half-drunk wedding wine on the roof.
    I kept trying to tell my friends who I was in love with but the words wouldn’t come out. So I went home and laid on the couch in the back bedroom, the coldest room in the house, where the window is always open a crack, and listened to the children play in the river behind the house, where I had once seen another child die. The whole dream was like drowning, very very slowly.

    In my life, when there is shit going down that my conscious mind is not acknowledging, it comes out in my dreams. My dreams try to tell mt waking self what I don't want to look at, like the time when I had recurring dreams about killing a friend of mine that I was no longer in unrequited love with. Those took forever to parse the dream logic of, but were basically me telling myself to stop obsessing before the measures I had taken to turn off that section of my personality failed and feelings came back and shit went down. Dream logic does not tell stories directly, not in my brain. It tells them mirrored and inside out or upside down or in strange emotional reversals that make dream-logic but not so much waking logic.

    And if I never have another dream where I wake up in David Lowery's coffin with his dead body that would be nice. I still have shuddery hella feels from that.
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Aeon sad)
    so I may have to say everything and edit later. )
    I know nothing about medical powers of attorney, but I've got a tab open with google results to remind me after I finish this. Any experience here, flist?
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (rip off your logic)
    * So when we reinstalled Windoze, I forgot to redownload and install AdBlock etc. onto Firefox. So that is taken care of. Thanks for reminding me that I have friends with brains who can poke me into using mine. You rock. :D

    * I think they've been putting dumb in the water here this week. I'm switching to filtered until the highly localized random attacks of stupidity at work are less evident. Yeah, I know it's probably sinus trouble from the pollen counts and the weather trying to decide how much pressure we should be under, but I'm going to err on the side of caution.

    * I have decided to narrate myself more. In the quest for things that I once did to myself that I am seeking to undo and then possibly redo a different way, I have discerned that the decision to not apply contexts to myself has made it almost impossible to apply narrative structure to my experiences. Did you know that most people recall information as part of a structure? And that the most common form of information organizing is the Grecian three-act play structure? So since my memory blows goats, I will be using the corollary of this fact to use the structure to improve my recall of events in my life and my interactions with you. I want to remember.

    * A long-ass time ago, in the Tina days of high school ... )
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)

    Today I had some not-even-24-hour intestinal flu, here and gone except for sleepiness in the space of ten hours. If I have to be ill at all, I'll take this over most alternatives.

    Yesterday I paid $130 in taxes, because apparently cash tips are counted as self-employment wages and are taxed more heavily or something? W/E IDEK. My sis survived a 6.0 earthquake and sustained no injuries. Still a good day in my book.

    Sunday I cooked, got tax documents together, cleared my RSS backlog, BOUGHT A-KON TICKETS, and watched a bunch of NerdFighter videos on Youtube.

    Saturday I mostly slept through (sorry, Kasha and Karen), and then went to Mom's for dinner and to exchange chocolates for Easter presents (also chocolates + SOCKS!). Then I came home and started wading through the pile of old day-planners and other places I write things down because I don't have a memory. I have about 1/10 of it actually done. THE LIST has 15 items so far.

    Friday I Went out to Panoptikon, left at closing to go to Cafe Brazil, left to follow everybody still awake to Ghost's house, and was up talking to people 'til 7AM.

    Thursday I had coffee at Karen's where I decided to accompany her to Kasha's viola virtuosity on Saturday. /o\

    Wednesday I thought it was the first Wednesday of the month, and showed up at my chiropractor. Listening to other people: sometimes it does not work so well for me.

    That was my week. Good things found within it have been these: a poem about eating and intimacy, Lilith Fair is coming to Dallas, date TBA, the first of the U.S. government websites to get web 2.0 updated, a helpful web guide on how to be a politician or, interchangeably, a psychopath, and a webcomic with lulzy emo poetry. All are worth perusal.

    Tomorrow I'm going to go read y'all's posts and clear that backlog. I may need to implement a weekly rota of internet chores.
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    So the inevitable temper tantrum of ARGH I HAVE TOO MANY EMOTIONS WHAT IS THIS has been thrown, and is now over. In its wake, things look much calmer. [livejournal.com profile] gonner221 and I discussed finances, [livejournal.com profile] wizardpen and I yelled at each other and ranted and cried and hugged it out, plans for the memorial this Saturday are finalized, and tonight I spend at Ghost's house since I won't be seeing him until next Tuesday as I'll be out of town or busy with funereal stuff all weekend.

    The tired part of the diet is over, I'm still losing hair slightly faster than normal but at nothing like the pace I was last Tuesday, I'm starting to get some of the strange side-benefits of the liver-cleansing diet where your sinuses get really clear. That's all great in that "I can be briefly grateful and then not have any emotional response to this" way where it takes a strain off my load tolerance. I don't have too many emotions to feel all at once, and now I can pick up the narrative thread of my life. Next up: my retrospective on the life of Albert Sydney Johnston IV. Boy, have I got some stories to tell you!

    Now things have all returned to being dealable; I'm back in the swing of things so I'll just swing life away.


    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)

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