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flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
Since the gabapentin I don't hurt as much as I used to. My bad body days are at a 2.5 on the five scale for functionality and a 3.5 on the ten scale for pain. I don't have days where it is impossible to work, just where it is harder than normal to do so, so mostly I don't take pain days off anymore. I had a bursitis flare for the first time in over a year in March, so maybe they're not gone, but they don't come back often. The PQQ is what has helped the most for the energy, so if you know anybody with fibromyalgia, pass that one along.

I have settled into #resistbot, post cards, and email as ways to contact my representatives that don't set off my anxiety. I go to some protests, and I joined an activist group on facebook to help exchange ideas and information and coordinate actions. So I am doing well on the activism front. I have not done as well on rebuilding my social ties, but I am a bit tied up in making sure that one of my depressed friends has a place to live and doesn't hurt himself.

I've been making CDs for people to feel younger to and slow the decline into senility, and that's going well. I wrote two poems so far this year. I am about to sign up for the continuing education hours that I need before June ends, and maybe outline some scenes to write for the Bucky&Natasha bro-fic that will precede the agender!Cap fic which I have a feeling is going to turn into a sprawling epic. Well, sprawling by my standards which probably means 40k words. So my to do list looks like:

  • Get CEU hours, probably in a deep tissue modality
  • Renew my ABMP membership
  • Write stories so that my brain stops pointing out things I could use in my stories
  • Make chakra bracelet for my sister
  • Go back to the Japanese dollar store for weird snacks
  • Get blood work done to make sure my antipsychs aren't doing bad stuff to my kidneys
  • Go to gynecologist and confirm menopause
  • Eventually go to dentist.
  • flamingsword: Tiny!Steve captioned Bad Body Day (Bad Body Day)
    Thanks to Resonant I have gotten the sex scene written. I porned! I think it doesn't suck! But ZOMG it was really, unreasonably hard. Have I told y'all lately how bad I am at feelings? And you know how psychosexual dynamics are basically all about feelings? Yeah, screw you, feelings. You suck.

    I am grumpy today. Stiff. Pain at 4/10. Probably about to start my period today or tomorrow.

    But most of the story is done. I'm gonna go take half a tramadol and take a nap and see about finishing this thing off and sending it to beta.
    flamingsword: Graphic that says "Life Is Kinda Goofy." with an unsmiling emoji. (Life is Goofy)
    So . . . writing is hard, y'all. *whines a lot*

    I want to make Natasha's headspace as funny this time as it was the first story to keep things moving and from getting too angsty, but I'm not sure how well it's going to work thematically. I guess if my beta says it doesn't work I can always pull it out on the rewrite.

    Today I am sad, and not sure why. I hurt less than I did a few months ago, shouldn't I be happier? But that is not always how things work out. Also they have the air conditioning cranked at work so I get cold every day now, which sucks for me. I am distracted, and I am losing the impetus to write the story. I may have to take a chill on it until it comes back. :( But I'll keep plugging along trying until I start getting nothing done at all.
    flamingsword: Tiny!Steve captioned Bad Body Day (Bad Body Day)
    My period is five days late and I have no idea why. Yesterday was a bad body day, but I still went in to work on one client, because my bad days are now a 3-3.5 on the functionality scale and not a 4. I have been having more depressive thoughts last week and the beginning of this week, but strangely that looks to be getting better despite the pain day.

    I may go find a shady spot to sit in outside and knit for a while.
    flamingsword: Tiny!Steve captioned Bad Body Day (Bad Body Day)
    So yesterday a little patch on the side of the knuckle of my right ring finger started detecting all sensations as pain. It's called allodynia. It doesn't go away with the tramadol. I can work through it, though, because putting pressure on the front of the knuckle doesn't set it off, just touching the side.

    I'm hoping this is temporary, but I'm giving myself a few days to get used to this before I check the posting boards. I want to be as mentally prepared to deal with the bad news as I can be before I have to potentially hear it.

    EDIT TO ADD: As of 10/19/2015 the painful sensation when the skin is stroked over has gradually gone down over the last 24 hours and may be going to go away entirely, one hopes?
    *crosses all the fingers*

    EDIT TO ADD: As of 10/21/15 the pain went away entirely. *is relieved*
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    I am thinking about how I plan things during my decision making process, and how I don't actually know how other people plan things. I know that people do instinctive cost-benefit analyses, but that people regularly forget to account for opportunity costs. Do they account for emotional drain costs like continued fear in paralysis situations? Because sitting still and doing nothing in a situation that feels bad makes you feel trapped, which leads to learned helplessness and anxiety. Making myself DO THE THING all the time even when I hated it and was depressed was part of how I got over my anxiety.

    If you have never heard of the Cult of Done I highly recommend taking two months to try this paradigm for living. Other than radical honesty, it is the most freeing thing I've ever found.



    In other news, I am deliberately getting nothing done today. Getting things done is how I wore myself down enough to get here. Stupid brain decisions made on years of data that no longer apply to the current situation. *grumbles*

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