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flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
An IRL friend asked for my help, and you know how I get. Research ahoy!

 The AVENwiki Lexicon
 is the glossary of terms you might need for quick reference when reading pages on gender theory. Most of these links will have their own explanations in the text, but just in case. 

Gender identity is descriptive rather than prescriptive. It seeks to be a useful adjective rather than an exact formula or rulebook. 

A FAQ for questions on gender, because tumblr is awesomesauce for that. 

A helpful gingerbread person explains, in visual terms:

A helpful gingerbread person explains gender and sexuality.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
*I was going to do the April Fool's Day post about how Xenoix and I had broken up, and put the 'details' under a cut-tag that only went to the words "Do you know what day it is?" Unfortunately I just don't feel like it. I feel kinda crappy, physically, like sinus-shoggoths are trying to invade my throat. What I wouldn't give for some nice homeopathic Elder Sign extract! . . . See? I just am not funny today, and I don't feel like failing continuously. Meh. :|

*So: in order to come up with some direction and feelings of continued utility and relevance, I've decided to go through old journals for records of my uncompleted goals. And knowing me there will be enough things that I've forgotten about to fill several pages. I'll then winnow them down according to whether they appeal to me currently, see what I've got left over, and post it up here to see if any themes emerge. Y'all might have to help with that bit, I totally won't be able to spot the obvious stuff. If you get the sense that I'm kind of down on myself at the moment, you'd be right. I had to explain the way my memory works to not one but two different co-workers today, and other people's pity is uncomfortable to me. I'm kind of glad that "I meant what I said, even though I may not remember it later" a convo you only have to have with people once.

*I was at the library the other day to find Women From Another Planet which apparently they don't have in any library in Texas (fail!). And when I was up in the psychology section for books on the autism spectrum, I picked up a mis-shelved copy of The Sociopath Next Door and read a bit. And it disturbed me. I'm not gonna lie. [livejournal.com profile] cluegirl says it's a fascinating read, and I believe her, but I'm not entirely sure that people understand sociopaths correctly. Because according to the most fundamental definition, I qualify. I don't feel shame or regret when I've hurt someone. I feel stupid and like a failure, because hurting people is bad for a system which ~hello, I live inside of~ and I hate making bad judgment calls that I will have to fix the repercussions of later so I try to be as nice as is reasonable and practical. I don't feel jealousy, or fear of mortality, or greed in any normal sense, and my expression of a lot of emotions is not what it is for other people. But just because I have fewer and more limited emotions doesn't mean that I want to destroy society or be a serial killer. I would have to also be under several delusions about my impact on the world and in a lot of chronic emotional pain for either of those to occur. I think it's possible that there's another invisible spectrum in human behavior, of the weight and importance of feelings. For some people emotions are this dominant, inexorable force. I have no idea what that's like, so my lack of affect must be just as freaky to them as their paradigm is to me and the sociopaths. :\

*When I was a teen, every day was Opposite Day. I'm an adult now. Can I have just one Apposite Day? That's all I'm asking for.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)

In Louiziana I seez a oke tree growin,
All alonely wif moss, I saw what it did there,
Wif no companionz it growed there, leavz liek jazz hands,
And the waiz it has a flavor, is amused, pwning teh noobs, MOAR GAI, is liek a mini-me,
But I wonderz how can be liek Happy Cat all alonely there
Wif no kittehs, cuz I no can do dat,
So I brokes offa twig wif leavz relevant to mah interest
Rolled in moss (liek serious thread),
And bringed it hoem, and I has watched it liek Ceiling Cat,
I'z not tarded, no needs it to remind me of mah own kittehs,
Yet curious token is curious, makes me think of buttsecks;
Akshully, tho liev-oak sparkles there in Louiziana,
Alonely and won't get offa my lawn,
Makes leavz liek jazz hands 'til Caturday wif no kittehs near,
That I no can has.

was originally I saw in Louisiana a Live-Oak Growing.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Sunshower)
"Every orgy needs a brass section."

"This is Dune, and the internet is like the spice. It's in everything and it's altering our consciousness."

"I must be done; I just stabbed myself with a fork."

"We should suggest that Penni name her kids Nicole and Diam(ond). All gags run before they can walk."

I think I'm wittier this week or maybe I've just been talking more with the internal editing off. Either way I like my brain this week even if my coordination is from a stupid part of hell.

Also: Ghost and I are going out again. :) I'm going to go float some more. G'night.
flamingsword: None can take the stars who do not reach. (Take The Stars)
My brain is coming slowly back online after the crowds, their noise, the fan videos, the costumes, and all the fun and bright lights and snack foods. So much geekery! After a while you're tired 'til you ache, like that hum of happiness is a muscle you're not used to using, and in addition to how your face hurts from smiling, your soul hurts from sustaining intense joy.

Next year, we will be stronger and withstand more.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
Right now I'm drinking coffee with cinnamon and honey. It's what my mom used to bribe me out of bed with on cold mornings, and it is comfort food. I'm doing okay, but even with the SAM-e the anhedonia is still there. I've never dealt with grief before as a sane adult. None of my usual bag of tricks is much good to me for this. I built myself to survive, but I'm realizing I have little experience leading a normal life. My skill set doesn't apply to NOT being a headcase. o_O I am much bemused by this.

I just found out that the pilot episode for the show I have now watched twice (GLEE: its title and what it induces) . . . is the only episode. The show doesn't start 'til this fall. :( It also doesn't star the werewolf/quarterback from Big Wolf on Campus, a delightfully lame kids show I used to watch. The resemblance between the two actors is pretty impressive, though. I had some hope of finally getting back into watching some mainstream television and having things to talk about with regular folk. :T My coworkers will just have to continue hearing about webcomics and neuroscience blogs. Darn. :)

Instead I may have to read up on the Mark Cuban/NBA epic struggle. An enterprising nerd bought the Dallas Mavericks, the basketball franchise. Now the refs are turning a blind eye to fouls so that the Mavs lose. My mom was almost in the middle of a riot at the game last month, and the refs doing the NBA's dirty work had to be disguised and smuggled out. It's geeks vs jocks, the post-collegiate edition. You know whose side I'm on already, don't you?

In other news it has now rained on the Byron Nelson, thus delivering to us the rain god's sign that we are not in for a summer of drought! Texas has it's very own Groundhog Day, full of tradition, mystery, and golf umbrellas. Embrace your uniqueness, Texas! Big is beautiful!
flamingsword: None can take the stars who do not reach. (Take The Stars)
or, Things That Kept Me Sane By The Deathbed:

1. You. You guys cannot even know. Thank you for all that you are to me, and all that you do.

2. Music. My Chemical Romance's Cancer and Another Train by The Poozies.

3. Hospitals with wifi.
"The sitting still is making me tense, and the smell is making me want to run away and scream. Carnations and illness. Every five minutes or so I get up and take the sponge-on-a-stick out of the cup of ice water and dab it inside her mouth until she reflexively bites down on it to wet her mouth. She can't swallow, or wake up, so it's like taking care of a very sick infant. We have to rely on noises and tiny movements to judge what she needs as best we can. She's the helpless one, but we feel powerless, too. Frustration and edginess abound.

I've never spent an extended amount of time with someone who was dying. I feel really weird, and I can't quite put it into words. I don't want her to be dying, but I know she is. So I want her to die faster and not be in pain or embarrassed that people are coming in to see her like this, which she never wanted. And that feels a little traitorous and self-contradictory. Mercy killing is something that I could do, and it would be easier than sitting here waiting. Maybe that's kind of screwed up, that I'm more comfortable with the thought of killing someone I love than I am with the reality of boredom, worry, resignation, and self-restraint. It feels fucking icky.

Being able to talk about it and get your support while it was going on made everything so much less horrific. Being able to get that out right then, and have a record of it, and not forget it or gloss over it later will help the next time something like this happens. And it will. I'm less emotionally close to my dad than to Rhoda, but someday my mom will die. And I'm going to need to know how to deal with that responsibly, because she'd want me to, and because I'm one of the three remaining children of this generation of my family, and neither of the other two know my mother at all. So I had better be prepared.

And I am. I'm okay now, and I know most of what I'll have to do to be an executor of someone's estate, and where to find help for that. I'm dealing with the ambivalent aftereffects of her death, but there's no survivors guilt, and my past issues are apparently well and truly dealt with. So as much as I bitch about personal growth, I guess I'm also glad for it.

Rhoda is off to another kind of existence, everybody got to come see her and say their goodbyes, it was as relatively trouble-free as could be managed within the subset of any event concerning my family. Only two people lost their shit in the actual hospital room, and it turns out that the half of the family who were there for her decline were the ones least capable of dealing with it. The half who got in the next day were better prepared and things quieted down. Other than the smell, it was almost pleasant, being there for the dual momentous/unremarkable end of her existence. I got to sing "The Rose" for her with some friends of the family and give reiki to a dying woman, which feels different. I got to take care of her in a way that she didn't let people do much of. And now I get to hear more stories about her. We owe honesty to the dead, it's a tradition. It's nice.

I need to try to remember a story for her wake that isn't really dirty or shocking to the cousins, but . . . it's Rhoda. She's where I got my gutter-minded sense of humor, and my tendency to be as loud as I feel like. She's basically my dad. And it does feel weird to have lost her, but in a way I've been losing her since last fall when I realized that none of the plans she was taking about included the possibility of getting better. I was so angry that she had given up, but maybe she just knew it was going to beat her and stopped fighting it. There's no way to be sure, and I forgive her anyway. It's not like I'm good at staying angry with people, not when I understand them. That's something I got from her, actually.

How appropriate. :'D
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)

I am still trying to think up appropriate captions for a political set that are not entirely based on things I've seen on Pundit Kitchen.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Like You Mean It)
Three minutes isn't long enough to say
That this is how to sort my head today.
Can't reassure me; you don't have the time.
But could you take my fears and make them rhyme?
flamingsword: None can take the stars who do not reach. (Take The Stars)
The Watchmen movie was spectacularly well done, the few updates were brilliantly handled, and whether or not you have read the comic (which you should), you should see the movie. It's got me thinky.

Spoilers and meta behind the cut. )
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
Six of us saw Twilight on Sunday night. It wasn't as bad as I'd hoped it would be. :( The characterization is still hilariously bad, but apparently the screenwriter edited some of the antifeminist attitudes out. That's probably a good thing, and this may be one of those rare times when the movie is better than the book. GLITTERY MONSTERS! How can that level of epic fail not be entertaining? 4SRS.

In the quest for self-knowledge, I have figured out that I have thoughts about things other people have feelings and beliefs about. Feelings for most people are very definite, almost binary. They must rarely take three or four feelings and experience them all together. In fact it's so rare that they have words like 'ambivalent' just to express that they feel more than one way, because apparently that's abnormal. Which I just figured out. :\

Tell me of your feelings, flist. How many do you generally have on x subject? In t amount of time will your feelings change by y amount? Let's graph this out so that I can get a handle on it. Screw XKCD, I will use math to figure this out.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Bob Bryar :))
Sorry, [livejournal.com profile] elucreh. I would do Panic, but my favorites are a bit less brightly colored. :) I would like to go on record as saying that I don't even much like punk music, ok? That I'm doing the '5 things about my favorite band' meme about My Chem says nothing about my musical taste, which you know very well I haven't got any of.

1. Gerard Way reminds me a bit of Tony Aubrey, [livejournal.com profile] willnobilis and some of the fanboys from Lone Star. The same idealism, that willingness to use your life as a social experiment: my favorite geeks are brave and possessed of a kind of trollish fortitude that outperforms less enthusiastic persons. They're all geeks, but they're geek rock stars, out winning Eisner's and doing what they always wanted to do - cutting off the nose of expected social roles to spite conformity's face. It's kind of nice to know that, statistically speaking, at least some of the awkward guys who used to follow me around during Magic and Warhammer tournaments went on to lead happy, fulfilled lives. And maybe some of them also went on to live their dreams of rock stardom. *shrugs* It's not like me and my limited contact with pop culture would know. So, they give me reason to believe in my friends and acquaintances, and that's the first reason they're my favorites.

2. I identify with these guys. I went on a kick of watching interviews of my heroes, and Neil Gaiman is too lucid and well-spoken and just fucking cool to have a thing in common with me. Mikey Way is the internet's darling because we can tell that he's one of us. He's learning to be less self-conscious, letting his unabashedly dorky self shine through. They don't just remind me of you guys - sometimes they remind me of ME, which is a lot more rare.

3. The Black Parade is the song I needed to hear when I was thirteen. I didn't have it then, but they made it so that the kids after us will have something that tells them not to be ashamed of being broken. My Chemical Romance Saves Lives: maybe it's a cliche and maybe I was already saved, but I was lucky, and they're working to take it out of the clumsy hands of luck. I mentioned the dedication to idealism already, but did I mention that they have a fan update community here on LJ with six thousand people watching it? So they're competent saviours, and you all know how I feel about that.

4. Frank. Trickster guitar yoga enthiasts = <3. My old friend Brandon Cordrey was this tiny ADHD maniac who got me sent to the principles office weekly if not daily. Did I ever back out of my share of getting into trouble? Not once. I miss having somone around to be dangerously irresponsible with. I want to risk grievous bodily injury and restraining orders. I want an even-more-miniature Frank Iero to keep in my pocket, like a not-very-blue Nac Mac Feegle. Or maybe just a talking action figure of him that tells people to go fuck themselves. I'm negotiable.

5. They're just lovable, normal geeks. They blog about their dogs, new computer hardware, their favorite cereal, movie references and reality TV shows. They're not playing at being legends, they just have a job to do and they do it. I respect the hell out of that. I need more role models to enforce my notions of living my life exactly as I please, of not needing to be cool or even mainstream-friendly, of believing that I am loved and appreciated just as I am. They give me so much more than hope.

So, while I may not like punk music, I'm still buying their Desolation Row cover off iTunes tomorrow. And pretty much anything else they do. They are my very favorite band, and those are five of my best reasons why.


Jan. 18th, 2009 10:18 am
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Like You Mean It)
So I was listening to the radio the other day (go me, swimming in the mainstream!) and singing along to some of the stuff I recognized, and I noticed that I can now hit one of the notes that I thought I'd lost. I now only have a 2-note break in the middle of my range, and the tonal difference between head voice and chest voice is getting more flexible again.

I will have it back. I WILL, I WILL, I WILL!
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Bohemia)
When [livejournal.com profile] ghost_life heard about my wrist pain some trading about occurred, and I now have a second-hand Wacom tablet. I'm still getting the hang of it, but it's rather cool. Between stretching and posting this in segments and the non-mouse-useness, my arms do not hurt.


This comes from The Fairy Tale Book, which my grandmother used to read to us when we were small, and from which comes my love of art nouveau. The book was published in 1917, before the existence of copyright laws, and the artists of these illustrations are unknown. Here is the first installment for those of you who haven't the willpower to resist the lure of art or the clicky link.
Cinderella, in pictorially massive post. )
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
Last night I went dancing as planned. And proceeded to have an amazing time. I was getting a bit wibbly about how there were only five of us, and then at 11:15 people started showing up. I only made one v. embarrassing display of squeeing like a fangirl in a crowded public place. That's not bad considering that I'm still me, and 26 looks like being just as apt for me to be a dork and a bit of a loony. I wonder if anything will change this year? I don't really change my fundamental structures as much as I used to, but I never see them coming until they're there. Maybe I'm not what changed last year.
Also: those of you who were not there know how much you can piss right off, you cowards!! You missed out on people-pretty-dancy-fun fun. My condolences to those who had to work. You will be taken for sushi the next time we meet, in reparation.

To continue the saga: I was awoken @ 8:30 by a construction crew taking the wood paneling off the side of our building. They're sort of loud. I'm too euphoric to properly care, though. :D

Last night was a night of miracles. On the whole, not a lot of people showed. But the longest of all possible long shots showed up, and I'm having to hit myself in the skull with LJ stuff to ground myself and quit obsessing. (yes, LJ is grounding for me. yes, I know how weird it is that something so not-depicting of the real world keeps me in touch with what's real) And I want to obsess, but it's a habit that doesn't work for me. I'm still too skippy to have anything like perspective on this, and the ~4 hours of sleep last night is not going to be a big help with that. I'll think about it tomorrow, and probably have it floating in my headspace until it solidifies into some more of those cracked aphorisms you guys love.
My favorite new me-quote on the subject of why I overuse the term 'cracked': "People are like rock crystal, we can only be as brilliant as we are cracked."


Mar. 22nd, 2006 12:07 am
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (gNeil)
Za! Poit! Incoherentwiththehappy! Exclamationpoint!

You have been my friend for a while, you know you have, because I told you about this really cool dream I had that was deep and strange and funny and scary and then you told me about your dream and it sounded like the same dream except we both expressed it badly because who can fully put a dream to words? Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean, that's freakin' who!! And THEY HAD THE SAME DREAM, TOO, and it's a movie now so make all your friends see it. On DVD.

Icons post

Nov. 26th, 2005 03:08 am
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (LunaCommentary)
I've got these and more icons up on my scrapbook page, because I've not had internet for a week, but I've wanted to do LJ stuff so badly. So I made a fuckton of icons. Follow the link to the cool stuff. )
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
Hi, Mac.

Have you ever thought that avocados are mother natures way of saying that she loves you even if you look like a dyed-black, shaved ball sack?

They're hideous. The outside is diametrically opposed in disgust by the creamy beauty and bliss of flavor inside. So there's one lesson. The way you look isn't your nature; that's not what you're for, or rather, it doesn't have to be. You can be other things than beautiful and be loved.

And they're really good for you. Full of the vitamins and minerals that people hear about too much and then forget about, but more than that - they have digestive enzymes that give your body the full benefit of everything you eat with them, with no evil indigestion. (avocados and papayas rule) So there's another lesson. You can have more going on than people know about. They don't have to know all the good things you do for them. They'll pay $.87 for your presence anyway.

Oooh! And versatility! Mama Nature made sure her little avocado babies could go in soups and on pizza and be made guacamole from and be put in salads, among other uses. So your presence can be valuable for a lot of different reasons, you don't have to be the same always. You can play multiple roles in the environment around you. You can relate in more than one way to the same person, or even the same food dish.

So be well and rock on with your mad avocadoness. Or your humanity. Whichever.


flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)

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