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### The Square-Cube Law (of Foursomes)

01:55 am
Let's say an average sexual dyad has 2 sets of 4 pointy joints and a (full) bed surface is 53'x 80' or 8 joints/29 square feet or a quarter joint per square foot. If the number of partners is doubled that's over half a joint per square foot.

If range of motion of any given limb is a foot and a half at the pointy joint, then eight joints to the power of 1.5 feet divided among 29 square feet is 22.627417 over 29 = 0.780255759 or less than one joint per foot of bedspace. Double the number of limbs and you get 16^1.5 = 64 & 64 over 29 = 2.20689655 or more than two joints per foot of bedspace and that is really bad odds for not getting an elbow to the head.

I think threesomes would be the most I am willing to risk, mathematically speaking.

### The dark living room of the soul ...

01:27 am
... wherein I have bruised my shins on the hidden coffee table that is my judgments about myself.

The black body behavior of my emotions and desires seems to be that I can only tell what's going on when the system is in a high stress/high energy state. Since under normal circumstances I have no clear vision of my wants or feelings, I have to repeatedly subject myself to periods of high excitation in order to keep any kind of self-knowledge going on. I feel like I need to do drugs again. :(

To create new goals and stress-test my system, I've been working on THE LIST by reading whatt I wrote down in last year's day-planner + notebook + yellow legal pad that went along with the end of last year. It's fucking with my head. The number of things I forget in a month's time is appalling to me for a number of reasons.

I base a lot of my feelings of value in my use of my mind. This is terrifying to me.

### How did this become a serious post? [4 things]

02:45 am
*I was going to do the April Fool's Day post about how Xenoix and I had broken up, and put the 'details' under a cut-tag that only went to the words "Do you know what day it is?" Unfortunately I just don't feel like it. I feel kinda crappy, physically, like sinus-shoggoths are trying to invade my throat. What I wouldn't give for some nice homeopathic Elder Sign extract! . . . See? I just am not funny today, and I don't feel like failing continuously. Meh. :|

*So: in order to come up with some direction and feelings of continued utility and relevance, I've decided to go through old journals for records of my uncompleted goals. And knowing me there will be enough things that I've forgotten about to fill several pages. I'll then winnow them down according to whether they appeal to me currently, see what I've got left over, and post it up here to see if any themes emerge. Y'all might have to help with that bit, I totally won't be able to spot the obvious stuff. If you get the sense that I'm kind of down on myself at the moment, you'd be right. I had to explain the way my memory works to not one but two different co-workers today, and other people's pity is uncomfortable to me. I'm kind of glad that "I meant what I said, even though I may not remember it later" a convo you only have to have with people once.

*I was at the library the other day to find Women From Another Planet which apparently they don't have in any library in Texas (fail!). And when I was up in the psychology section for books on the autism spectrum, I picked up a mis-shelved copy of The Sociopath Next Door and read a bit. And it disturbed me. I'm not gonna lie. says it's a fascinating read, and I believe her, but I'm not entirely sure that people understand sociopaths correctly. Because according to the most fundamental definition, I qualify. I don't feel shame or regret when I've hurt someone. I feel stupid and like a failure, because hurting people is bad for a system which ~hello, I live inside of~ and I hate making bad judgment calls that I will have to fix the repercussions of later so I try to be as nice as is reasonable and practical. I don't feel jealousy, or fear of mortality, or greed in any normal sense, and my expression of a lot of emotions is not what it is for other people. But just because I have fewer and more limited emotions doesn't mean that I want to destroy society or be a serial killer. I would have to also be under several delusions about my impact on the world and in a lot of chronic emotional pain for either of those to occur. I think it's possible that there's another invisible spectrum in human behavior, of the weight and importance of feelings. For some people emotions are this dominant, inexorable force. I have no idea what that's like, so my lack of affect must be just as freaky to them as their paradigm is to me and the sociopaths. :\

*When I was a teen, every day was Opposite Day. I'm an adult now. Can I have just one Apposite Day? That's all I'm asking for.

### creative atrocities: have one

12:57 am
I'M IN UR LOUIZIANA, WATCHN UR OKE TREEZ GRO

In Louiziana I seez a oke tree growin,
All alonely wif moss, I saw what it did there,
Wif no companionz it growed there, leavz liek jazz hands,
And the waiz it has a flavor, is amused, pwning teh noobs, MOAR GAI, is liek a mini-me,
But I wonderz how can be liek Happy Cat all alonely there
Wif no kittehs, cuz I no can do dat,
INVISIBLE FRIENDZ!!1! O NOEZ!
So I brokes offa twig wif leavz relevant to mah interest
Rolled in moss (liek serious thread),
And bringed it hoem, and I has watched it liek Ceiling Cat,
I'z not tarded, no needs it to remind me of mah own kittehs,
(IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE! TAKE THIS.)
Yet curious token is curious, makes me think of buttsecks;
Akshully, tho liev-oak sparkles there in Louiziana,
Alonely and won't get offa my lawn,
Makes leavz liek jazz hands 'til Caturday wif no kittehs near,
That I no can has.

was originally I saw in Louisiana a Live-Oak Growing.

### beware of crack

01:00 am
Hey, have I told you guys my "Alan Moore is living in quantum superposition as a fangirl" theory? No?

Recently I was reading this article on how scientists were trying to get a virus to exist in two quantum states simultaneously, and the difficulties doing it to larger organisms in the real world. To which I immediately scoffed, because there is an author/fangirl/chaos magician who does that all the time. He is Alan Moore, the author of Promethea, V for Vendetta, the Watchmen, and Lost Girls - a published femmeslash futurefic crossover/AU of the sexual adventures of Alice from Wonderland, Dorothy Gale, and Wendy Darling.

I hear that, statistically, it's pretty much just women who write slash, and that there's this perception that people who slash the characters from children's stories must be some sort of perverts. And yet many of the people who are supposed to subscribe to that theory would also have to be fans of perennially popular Moore. He seems to occupy a singularly multi-layered existence, much like that virus, because nobody even sees him for what he is. That passage in V for Vendetta where V is extemporaneously filking his life's story to the tune of Cabaret? Songfic, bb. Seriously.

Great. Big. Fangirl.

If you're wondering how is it that he can be in two places at once like that, be one thing and do another - well, he is a chaos magician. Messing with the normal order of the world is a spiritual tenet for more people than just the cracktastic slash fangirls on LiveJournal. ;) Love ya!

In other news, I have cyst pain+cramps again and my personal life is not doing me many favors. I need someone to write me a book, How to Comfort Distressed Humans: A GUIDEBOOK FOR THE CONFUSED VULCAN. Anybody up for the challenge? Or want to have coffee with me next Thursday at the Starbucks near my house?

### love match

06:51 pm
Fox News loves it's new commentator, Sarah Palin.

"I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News," Palin said in a statement posted on the network's Web site. "It's wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news."

With values in tandem and equal commitment to accuracy, they're perfect for each other.

OH DEAR GOD SOMEONE TELL ME I'M HALLUCINATING, PLEASE.

### post-mortem 2009, or: The Hits Just Keep Coming

10:52 pm
From the pages of my day-planner,

### Mental health meme

05:12 pm
 Disorder Rating Paranoid Personality Disorder: Low Schizoid Personality Disorder: Moderate Schizotypal Personality Disorder: High Antisocial Personality Disorder: Low Borderline Personality Disorder: Low Histrionic Personality Disorder: Moderate Narcissistic Personality Disorder: High Avoidant Personality Disorder: Low Dependent Personality Disorder: Low Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Low -- Take the Personality Disorder Test ---- Personality Disorder Info --

No surprises, eh?

### on the topic of emotional abuse

02:02 am
While I have issues (and tend to talk about them, often at length), I know that you have issues, too. Just because I don't point them out and say, "ooh, where did you get that shiny warped perspective?! you are so beautifully broken!!" does not mean that I don't see you. I see you; I see us.

Thank you.

### (no subject)

09:46 pm
Just woke from a dream where I had apahsia, and could not talk. I could sing, hum, and whistle, but as soon as I tried to listen to words or say them, nothing would work. Maybe 'nightmare' is a better descriptor. At least my headache is gone!

So, since I'm having some scaring-myself headspace, I thought I'd entertain you all with more stories of the crazy I used to be, and maybe finish up today's post with some new crazy I'm trying on.

In other news I'm trying to back off of the internet usage the way I currently use it and change it up. To what, I'm not sure. But I spent so much time reading this spring, and I think I'm going to get a second job this fall. I'll be living 100 yards from a Starbucks. The logical way to keep from bankrupting myself is to be working there. Thoughts?

11:28 pm
I saw Half Blood Prince again today, and GLEE for the 4th time. In my life I've seen Titanic 4 times, AKIRA 5, Moulin Rouge 6, and Romeo + Juliet 14 times, and Dune so many times the cassette tape wore out. Who else does this? Do you have any insight as to why we do it? Or is it purely the enjoyment factor of the familiar?

In other news, according to Xenoix, I've never talked about being in therapy . . . which I don't actually believe, because when do I not talk? But it's vaguely possible, and I'm pretty sure I've only mentioned it here in passing. Behind the cut tag will be a

### (no subject)

01:04 am
* So I have now seen Episode 1 Season 1 of Leverage. Where can I get more of this?

* I have been thinking through the logistics of insanity, and how chaos theory applies to repeated iterations of the impossible. Perhaps something is not possible when you begin working towards it, but will be by the time you get there (re: our current president is black). In this way some kinds of insanity have real world applications as far as invention, scientific discovery, and social progress. Because the initial conditions of the repeated experiments are constantly changing, each repetition has different chances of success.

* Love's Baby Soft is pedophile-attractant perfume. I may have to make a frightening Loli outfit to celebrate finding this gem hiding out in my bathroom. There may be pigtails involved. You have been warned.

* Subculture is the proving ground for dominant-paradigm social policy in the same way that State courts are proving grounds for what becomes federal policy. We're beta-testing new behaviors and shaking the bugs out, so that the majority of our culture can keep to the stable, already-tried ways of relating. People can be as conservative as they like, but what is normal for us now will be a social norm in 50 years. Think back: Beatniks, rock n' roll, hippies: their radical new habits and practices have become our own. Deliberate minimalism, ecological awareness, activism as a lifestyle, the refusal of racism implied by listening to 'black' music: these things used to exist only in outcasts, not in people who swam in the mainstream.

*Some nights, especially when I can't sleep, I feel unstoppable. I feel like pain is just a condition like breathing and is equally invisible, like every action I take every day will echo through my entire life, like the shadows of what we have been are cast forward onto the future by the light of our former potential selves, obscuring the narrowing field of what we can become in the moving dimness. Only the choices we passed by are brightly lit, and in the gloom ahead lies our eventual fate.

*Why do I only get metaphorical when I hurt? Stupid stomach pain. Stupid insomnia.

ETA: Unfinished sentences are also what happens when I can't sleep. Fixed now.

### (no subject)

12:48 am
Yummy peanut butter cookies, YAY! I am done with baking them, also YAY! And in less than an hour I'm off to Austin to see Helix and possibly The Marquis de Josh and Nick and some of the Feri peeps, where we will study the NATURE OF OUR VERY SOULS. Or so I hope. Most of what 'magic' is, it seems to me, is just learning how your head works and getting a handle on the rules so you can program yourself to do all the complex shit you need to keep up with. And there's a lot in our world to keep up with.

I'm not sure how done I am with grieving, but I'm going to risk it. Deep meditation always brings things up, but just because the Rhoda thing is fresh doesn't mean it feels more immediate than the other emotional baggage I've got. I'm pretty sure that I felt my way through the worst reactions to her death while she was still alive.

It has been interesting to find out that my previously-acquired intrapersonal skills don't work like they should when I'm not a crazy person, but that's just life I suppose. Does this mean I need to chase down all the things I tried back in school, all the behavioral modelling I decided I couldn't use because I just didn't work like that? I didn't then, but maybe now I do. More stolen magic and mind-macros. I wonder what size my operating kernel is? heh. :)

I run so many programs, and I have things partitioned really crazily, but it does OK. Years of beta testing seem to work miracles. Now I only run CrazeOS when I have to, and most of my applications and drivers got exported over here. So many system resources, what will I do with them next?

### thoughts for today

03:42 pm
Right now I'm drinking coffee with cinnamon and honey. It's what my mom used to bribe me out of bed with on cold mornings, and it is comfort food. I'm doing okay, but even with the SAM-e the anhedonia is still there. I've never dealt with grief before as a sane adult. None of my usual bag of tricks is much good to me for this. I built myself to survive, but I'm realizing I have little experience leading a normal life. My skill set doesn't apply to NOT being a headcase. o_O I am much bemused by this.

I just found out that the pilot episode for the show I have now watched twice (GLEE: its title and what it induces) . . . is the only episode. The show doesn't start 'til this fall. :( It also doesn't star the werewolf/quarterback from Big Wolf on Campus, a delightfully lame kids show I used to watch. The resemblance between the two actors is pretty impressive, though. I had some hope of finally getting back into watching some mainstream television and having things to talk about with regular folk. :T My coworkers will just have to continue hearing about webcomics and neuroscience blogs. Darn. :)

Instead I may have to read up on the Mark Cuban/NBA epic struggle. An enterprising nerd bought the Dallas Mavericks, the basketball franchise. Now the refs are turning a blind eye to fouls so that the Mavs lose. My mom was almost in the middle of a riot at the game last month, and the refs doing the NBA's dirty work had to be disguised and smuggled out. It's geeks vs jocks, the post-collegiate edition. You know whose side I'm on already, don't you?

In other news it has now rained on the Byron Nelson, thus delivering to us the rain god's sign that we are not in for a summer of drought! Texas has it's very own Groundhog Day, full of tradition, mystery, and golf umbrellas. Embrace your uniqueness, Texas! Big is beautiful!

### last names

06:53 pm
NEW PLAN: WE ALL CHANGE OUR LAST NAME TO 'WHO' AND SOME OF US START GETTING DOCTORATES!

:D?

### the 25 things meme

11:00 am
So, the 25 telling facts about myself thing: it took a while to come up with anything not completely lame. :) So here is the merely claudicated version.

### disjointed by insomnia

01:52 am
I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up from the Capraesque dream of our country being under new management. But it keeps being real.

Can't sleep. It happens sometimes, and I don't know why. I need to pick a fight soon, spar with someone, get this restlessness out from under my skin.

It's good to periodically return to the parts of yourself you've been avoiding. I've always had more problems than I knew how to deal with and since I can't live in the shabby, brokedown parts of my head without getting horrible, I avoid that part of myself and go live in the intellectual and spiritual and occasionally physical parts of myself. I hold back my emotions and avoid them, while researching ways that other people deal and coming up with experimental solutions to test out the next time I'm here. And I'm here again; every once in a while I go on a mission to the Cambodia of my internal world, the Somalia and Nicaragua of my messy emotional poverty.

There are resources here. There are things worth having in the starving, untravelled parts of myself, and these resources are desperate to be used. But I don't want to strip mine myself or treat this like America treats a third world country. There's got to be some form of game theory that can be used as a blueprint for self-respect. There's got to be behavioral mapping from the external world that can guide me along the twisting mud tracks and dusty camel trails in my head. One world has to reflect the other, or what's a world for?

When my problems got worse than I knew how to cover for, bad things happened to me because nobody knew how to correctly interpret me. I'd been lying too much for too long. Eventually I learned to stop covering most of it up, and let people who were trying to get close to me know what they were really in for. Here's how that happened:

My peers gave me hell, unwanted gifts that I accepted because I didn't know how to refuse. A lot of kids that grew up the same way are concerned with paying their peers back for that treatment, which is not unusual for freaks in public schools. But I don't want to pay them back. I want to give them what they paid for, and let the buyer beware. That's my nature. I'm fair like that.

I transubstantiated that pain into something functional and beautiful and new. I made Hell part of myself and used its fire to forge the raw materials of myself into whatever I am now. And I want to share my smithied self with the world so the next generation of hell-givers and hell-takers will come to the table with a better understanding of the possibilities being offered there. Anger shows you what's important to you. Pain makes you grow. It's fertilizer, and like fertilizer it's pretty shitty. But if my peers had been better people then I wouldn't be one now. Thanks to the Tiffanies and Dominiques and Alexes of the world. I would say I owe you one, but I don't. :)

Gonna try to sleep now.

### I bring the funny

11:43 am
The Q'ran, the Bible, the Bhagavad Gita: all these works are meant to be taken as works of non-fiction, based on the world and actual revelations/experiences had by the authors about that world's origins. As Kathy Mar sings, "Humans wrote the Bible, God wrote the world." And that's deep and everything, but as a corollary it also means that the Bible is fanfiction. All religious texts claim to be based in part on the words of a deity, so I suppose that's as canon as can be, but they're all different and ascribe different names and motivations to the main character, so religions are all just different fandoms.

There's a name for something that happens in fanfiction when a bad author writes in a character based on something they wish they could be, and it's "Mary-Sue". A Mary-Sue is a character who has special powers, exotic looks, or is a previously-unheard-of relative to a main character. Everyone loves a Mary-Sue, s/he can do anything and often upstages the primary characters. Sound like anyone you know? Jesus is the biggest Mary-Sue ever. Heal the sick, throw a perfect party with bread and fish and wine for everybody, and bring back the dead - tell me that he wasn't written to upstage his father and take the plot focus for himself. YA RLY.

Also, sometimes the Adam/Eve shippers and the Adam/Steve shippers get to sniping at each other, and you get little flame wars where people are crucified on LiveJournal for their belief in the One True Pairing. Which means that religious wars are fandom wank. And isn't "Christianity" just a candy-coated way of saying, "I ship God/Mary chan non-con"? See, nobody has real moral high ground here, and this is why we don't like the wank. Religion fandom: peace out, yo!

Now, in the TV, book, and movie fandoms, we realize that the owners will sue for trying to pass our work off as their own, or for trying to extort money out of it. So we say right up front that the original work is not ours. Seriously Muslims/Christians/Jews/Buddhists: You do not own the copyright on God. Have the balls to use the standard "don't own, don't sue" disclaimer, you trademark infringing trolls!

I swallow the ideas of others, and nine months later I'll have a headache and out will spring a shining idea, fully formed, armed, and loaded. Like Athena. How cool is it that I have tiny militant lesbians in my head? Oh, shut up, you're just jealous.

### talking to myself

01:20 pm
Other people are even more of a chore today than I am, and that's rare. So instead of talking to other people (who aren't icky and foul-tempered), I'm going to talk to myself about You know you don't have to read this stuff, right? That you're real to me either way, and that nothing is expected of you? I've not got parts cut out for you to play, and I don't know what you want until you say so. You exist independently of the world and of me. You're you, and that gives me permission to be me. It's nice.

### the edge of a fractal and working in

12:48 am
I think the dissociative impulse in people who are controlling comes from a difference in prioritizing fears.
The people I know who feel threatened by the world are standoffish with strangers and open up to people who are known quantities. The rest of us are equally standoffish with everyone on certain subjects, regardless of knowing them. Some things, like rage, we do not share at all.

I believe the reason for this to be the origin and direction of the feared pressure. We, the sociopathic, give greater credence to the fear of what is within us pushing out. If someone fears being weak and being overwhelmed by the world, then the walls are to keep others out. If someone fears being strong and destroying the world around them, the emotional walls are to keep parts of the self within. For the protection of the self and the other, the destructive components must be given limited room to maneuver. They must be kept at a tactical disadvantage.

I think some people have both sets of walls, and that's the really confusing bit. Unexpected surrenders are like running upstairs and the top step being missing. We go flying off into conjecture on the upper levels of the mind. I'd like to make a good landing, and grab whatever thought it is that's floating just beyond where I can reach.

flamingsword

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Page generated Sep. 25th, 2017 07:53 am